Everything I Didn’t Know About Breastfeeding


I am fortunate enough to have breast fed quite easily. Having lugged massive tits around my entire life, I feel I deserved them to be useful at something. But there was a whole load of stuff that I knew absolutely nothing about.

Your brothers will never get use to you whapping a bap out.

Lying down to feed is a lifesaver. But you can’t help feeling like a Mummy Pig (not the Peppa sort).

Contractions vs. the searing agony of early breastfeeding. I’d take labour.

Lansinoh is actual magic. Your nips will love you for it.

Crumb-druff – the layer of food that covers your baby when you try and eat whilst feeding.

“As soon as I get this baby out I’m going to wear normal clothes”. Wrong. You will wear a series of shirt/vest combos for what seems like an eternity.

Forget burning bras. Being reunited with an underwired bra is utter liberation.

The Thirst. Making boob milk makes you thirsty, insanely so.

Breast isn’t always best. Mums mental health is just as important. Quit the guilt trip.

Eating oats help boost supply. Good in porridge. Better in a biscuit form.

One click amazon purchase + night feeds = very dangerous combination.

Answering the door to the postman (delivering things you don’t remember ordering) with a baby on your tit is a right of passage.

Taking a wee with a baby on your tit is a right of passage.

Taking a poo with a baby on your tit is a right of passage.

Cakes become like crack. Days focused round getting your fix. Detailed knowledge of where to get the best gear.

Fizzy tit. Natures feeding alarm clock.

That and pissing milk down your top. Especially when you chose to wear grey.

‘I breastfed and the baby weight just fell off’. Well bully for you. 

Avoid spicy food? Yes. Dairy? Maybe. Caffeine? Not. Gonna. Happen.

If in doubt whack a boob out. (But not when your husband/mother-in-law/ busybody on the bus tells you to).

Sneaking off to the loo on a night out…  To pump & dump. Oh how life changes.

I’m EBF. Smug Bullshit Title.

How will I know when to stop feeding? The Day they Bite and Pull.

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1 Comment

  • Reply Jules April 28, 2015 at 11:18 am

    this is genius … I make mental lists like this most days!! cant wait for the next ones!!

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