I am Mamma to two boys. This doesn’t make me too well equipped to talk about the gender divide. All I know is what my tiny fellas have taught me.
Having a boy means you will….
Get asked ‘did you want a girl?’
Get asked ‘are you going to keep trying for a girl?’
Already dread the smell of their teenage bedroom (and potential walking in on wanking situ’s).
Know you are going to loose them to another woman one day.
Hope that you will not become ‘The Mother-in-Law from Hell’.
Remember that your Mother-in-Law thought that once too.
Feel a bit short-changed when yours go for the less conventional “Daddy’s Boy” approach.
Learn that boys never sit still. They run. They jump. They wrestle. They climb.
Until they discover TV. Then they become zombies. The absolute inability to chat whilst staring at a screen is something men are born with.
Realise a £1 ball from the Pound Shop is really all they want.
Wonder how you go about cleaning willy?
Compare your son’s willies.
Learn that the way to a boy’s heart really is through his stomach. Specifically via cheese and ham. And Pom Bears.
Brainwash them to repeat after me: “Mummy loves flowers.”
Discover erections start early. It’s funny and freaky.
Aim to raise them to be the most chivalrous feminists ever.
Find yourself wandering into the girl’s section, to fondle floral dresses and coo over T-bar shoes.
Be grateful that there is less room for error when being gifted boys clothes. There is no boy equivalent of baby headbands.
Ok, there is: mini football kit. Shoot me.
Start farting more. Mainly to impress them.
Whisper to other ‘boy-mamas’ “boys are harder than girls”. Where as in reality its all baby’s that are f@£king hard work.
Scream at them for smashing your makeup all over the carpet. Yes boys do that too.
Gaze in disbelief that those tiny arms and pigeon chest will one day be big and manly and hairy.
Look forward to bear hugs from the big men that you grew.
Endure the entire Thomas the Tank anthology. SIXTY FOUR BOOKS ALL ABOU TRAINS (yawn).
Battle with your inner-sensible Mummy. Mummy can high-kick whilst making machine-gun noises too.
Encourage gender-neutral toys. Only to find your son trying to ‘fix’ the toy pram.
Be told “I can’t imagine you with girls.” And wonder what the hell that mean?!