Having a Baby Does WHAT to Your Body?!?

Course I knew having kids would change my body.  Growing a human and getting it out of your fanny is always going to have an impact, but I didn’t have a clue quite how much….

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• Super smell.  A sure-fire sign you are up the duff. Suddenly every person on your commute stinks. Even the smell of toothpaste is horrendous. 

• Dangly tits. So-long pert knockers of my youth!

• Incontinence. DO YOUR PELVIC FLOORS. A few token squeezes is not enough. Do it. Do it properly. Otherwise you will end up pissing yourself. 

• Dislocated Dummy Shoulder. A common injury caused by trying to reach to insert a dummy into the mouth of a screaming child in the backseat of the car.

• Tears from hormones.

• Tears from your milk coming in.

• Tears because you just want to sleep.

• Tears because you don’t actually know why. And now you’re laughing like a nutter.

• Piles. My advice? A) Lactulose B) Shuv ’em back in.

• Selective-deafness. A unique ability to zone-out whingeing/Peppa Pig/irritating repetitive music. Gets better the longer you’ve been a parent.

• Fanny Daggers.

• Stretch Marks. “I am a tiger who earned its stripes”. And then had to buy a tankini.

• Hair-loss. Not a few strands. Falling out BY.THE.FISTFUL at approximately 4 months post-partum. 

• Followed by weird tufty re-growth.

• Weird dark marks on your face known “the mask of pregnancy” – google it.

• A rearranged version of your body. Finally back down to pre-pregnancy weight (kind of). Yet still none of your clothes fit?! 

• Gas. Trumping. Farting. Blowing-off. Whatever you call it, its happens without warning post-babies.

• Mothers Sway. Absent-mindedly rocking a supermarket trolley thinking its a pram.

• Dry mouth – from Gas and Air.

• Dry mouth – from continual shhhing and patting to sleep.

• Dry mouth – from sneakily eating the plethora of dry snacks you have to at hand for a toddler.

• Eye bags. Obvs.

• Mummy Strength. The unbelievable ability to carry a toddler and a baby in a car seat, and a nappy bag and bag full of Boots stuff into the house.

• Long toe-nails. Come 7pm I’d rather reach for wine than polish.

• Breast-feeding stops your periods. Thank god for small mercies.