All My Parent Fails

I was asked to ‘out’ my parenting fails in the name of raising money for the ‘Right to Play’ scheme . Problem is I couldn’t decide on one. So here are a selection of my screw-ups:

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Putting my newborn in a toddler size nappy in the middle of the night. Poor chap, it came up to his tiny-armpits.

Any ‘nappy off time’ ever. Always ends in a piss-fest.

Dropping an iPhone on my 3 week old baby’s head. Proof that social media really can be dangerous.

Smothering myself and my boobs in a gorgeous new Ren moisturizer post-labour. Moroccan Rose smells amazing, not so tasty for a brand new bubba. 

Every time I have ever thought ‘I’ll just nip to the loo’. Only to return to a child:

Eating dog food.

Emptying the  spice draw.

Sucking the mop.

Feeding his 2 week old brother Babybel.

All of the above.

Attempting to ride an ‘up’ escalator with a buggy in front of me. Then struggling to hold it above my head for entire journey.

Accidentally hitting the release button on the front wheels of the Bugaboo when entering a train.  Wheels fall off, down the gap, on to the track, at Clapham Junction in rush hour. Absolute mayhem.

Growing my boy’s hair into a cute boho-surfer-stlye. Only to be told by nursery that said fringe was:

a) compromising his vision.

b) potentially giving him an eye infection.

Recruiting a little helper in the kitchen. Who, in a split second, ate an entire clove of garlic. (Then promptly threw it back up).

Whispering ‘dinner’s ready’ through the baby monitor  = a booming voice coming out the other end, waking the baby that has taken the best part of an hour to settle.

Spending weeks packing a bag for my oldest, for when I went into labour with No 2: Stickers. Teddy. Dummy. Snacks. Thomas the Tank. Nappies. Wipes. BUT NOT A SCRAP OF CLOTHING.