By Clemmie Hooper

I’m Clemmie, I just write lists. The ‘other’ Clemmie is much better; she is a midwife, she writes an amazing blog: Gas and Air packed with birth stories and loads of interesting info, she has a book out next year.

And then this…. she already has 2 gorgeous girls. Now she is expecting TWINS. Here is her hilarious blow-by-blow account of your thought process during early pregnancy:

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JUST FOUND OUT (WEEK 0):

• So excited and not tempted at all the look at the price of the new bugaboo (googles bugaboo bee on eBay).

• Can’t wait to tell people only 7 weeks until my scan.

• Wonder what sex it will be.

• Oooo names! Best start thinking this is the fun bit.

• Don’t feel preggo at all yet, best take another test just to check.

• Ok still positive.

• I actually feel really well looks like I’ve been lucky and not got any morning sickness,

UNTIL WEEK 7:

• OMG boobs are ridic, sleeping in a sports bra, they’re so veiny, gross!

• Just seen midwife and had my booking appointment starting to feel real now, exciting!

• I’m not missing booze at all I don’t know what all the fuss is about

• Pregnancy is a breeze plus I can still fit into my jean.

3 WEEKS LATER:

• SOMEBODY KILL ME. I have never felt so sick and hungry at the same time

• I can barely get out of bed, am I dying? Do women die?

• I’m only wearing husbands trackie b’s and rugby shirt will I ever wear normal clothes again?

• Is everyone bloody having a birthday/engagement/BBQ this month?!? Are they trying to kill me?  I’m running out of excuses why I can’t drink.

• Wotsits are my friend I’m consuming these by the multipack.

• And super noodles, the more salty and synthetic the better.

• Why has my husband bought me lilies the house stinks of lilies I FUCKING CANT STAND THE SMELL OF LILIES (runs to toilet).

• I swear the coffee shop by my work is pouring coffee fumes out on purpose (runs to nearest toilet) 😷.

• Is it acceptable to nap at work at lunchtime?

• I could nap in the ladies no one will notice

• Is it bed time yet (6pm)

• (Wakes up on the sofa at 10pm) I’m hungry get me some more Wotsist, what do you mean you ate my last packet? I NEED MY WOTSITS.

• I hate being pregnant

• This is the world’s longest pregnancy

WEEK 11-12:

• Why don’t I feel sick today? Did I imagine the last few weeks? Presses boobs yup still agony OUCH!

• Still haven’t puked today it’s probably a phantom pregnancy (googles phantom pregnancies and reads a horror or stories on the babycentre forum)

• Only 1 more week until my scan, what if there’s nothing in there and I’ve just got fat because of all the Wotsits? Maybe I should do another test (buys 2 of the most expensive digital test yes both still positive) husband thinks I’m mental

• Night before the scan still not feeling sick anymore convinced it’s all gone away (goes to empty the over flowing kitchen bin vomits immediately yup must still be pregnant) husband says I’m defiantly still pregnant

• Day of scan weird dreams about baby kittens in there, what if there’s more than 1? What if it’s twins?

• ‘Well you’re definitely pregnant Clemmie and there’s 2 babies in there it’s twins’ TBC…….