Blogging. Why Bother?

Blogging is a funny old game. I still cringe introducing myself as a blogger. But then again my brother, who is a musician, feels embarrassed about carrying a guitar about. Maybe it’s the same thing? Or just a classic case of imposter syndrome.

Anyway here’s a list about why I share my ramblings with the world:

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• I actually had a blog 5 years ago called Lists on the Northern Line. I was in the middle of a terrible phase of anxiety* which meant I had daily panic attacks on the ‘tube part’ of my commute. Writing lists became my distraction/coping mechanism.

• Although I enjoyed writing it. I didn’t really have a reason for doing it. So it petered out.

• 3 years and 2 kids later, in March 2015, Mother of All Lists was born.

• Here’s why:

• Parenting is hard.

• It makes you feel as if everyone is having a better, easier time than you.

• Parenting can be lonely and relentless. Days can go by without having an adult conversation.

• Sustained sleep deprivation fucks you up.

• It can strip away your identity.

• It messes with your confidence.

• Makes you question: how to dress, who your mates are and what you want out of life.

• And back when I had Bertie I couldn’t find anyone to help me navigate the madness.

• My Mum lives abroad.

• My siblings were still firmly in the having fun stage.

• And we were the first of our friends to have a kid. So I looked elsewhere for advice, guidance and a sanity check.

• Parenting books were too heavy going. (I’m always been the sort of girl who preferred to  watch the film/get the study guide rather than read the set text).

• Mumsnet was too negative. I saw people sharing their baby name ideas and then being ripped to pieces for their choices.

• ( I’m of the opinion that if you grow the human, it’s your choice what to call them).

• ANYWAY after having Woody, my second, I felt more confident. As if I had graduated from an amateur parent to a competent one.

• At which point I thought I’d have a go at sharing some of my experiences:

• Doing so cleared my head. It got my baby brain back in gear. And seeing those first 1o’s and 100’s of reads come in gave me a thrill to do it again.

• I learnt from my peers: Unmumsy Mum, Hurrah For Gin, Mother Pukka, Susie Verrill, Step Don’t Buy Her Flowers and of course Clemmie Hooper.

• I learnt it was ok to have mixed feelings about your small humans. To find them insanely annoying but heart hurtingly amazing.

• It’s ok to question why you did it. And think ‘My old life child-free life was actually really good, why did we we mess it up?’

• To find your marriage under massive strain. The way I spoke to Ben after a string of bad nights was frankly appalling.

• It’s ok to say ‘I’m struggling’.

• It’s ok to be genuinely worried about your postpartum hair.

• And to respect your body for growing a human, but not like the way it looks in the aftermarth.  

• It’s also ok to still REALLY like fashion. But have now clue how to ‘Dress Like a Mum’ (thankfully Zoe came to the rescue ).

• It’s ok to occasionally wear red lipstick to the park just to cling on to a tiny bit of your own identity.

• It’s ok to cover puke/wee/snot/vomit with a towel rather than endure more washing.

• It’s ok to: use a dummy/co-sleep/cuddle them too much/mix feed/feed them to sleep/ follow a routine/have zero routine. It’s OK TO DO WHAT EVER YOU NEED TO DO TO SURVIVE.

• It’s ok to want to be free from your kid but feel too bound to them to allow yourself that freedom.

• It’s ok  to want to hold on to your career. Doesn’t mean you don’t feel a pang of guilt every Monday.

• Equally, it’s ok to want to choose to staying at home. Doesn’t mean you don’t feel a pang of envy on Monday morning.

• And it’s ok to crack into the prosecco/gin & tonic on a Friday afternoon whilst doing kids tea. Pizza with an all important carrot sticks on the side to ease your conscience.

• Blogging/Instagram has given me the confidence to say all of the above. It’s helped me know who I am.

• It has given me an incredible support network. Every time a stranger reaches out to say ‘hope you are ok.’ It blows me away. 

• Every like, follow, share, comment is not only humbling it’s sanity saving. It’s given me so so many laughs at the disastrous, life-affirming, maddening, hilarious, emotional and often shitty experience of being Mum. So Thank You, Thank You very much for going on this journey with me.

*Here’s a list I wrote about anxiety, entitled: ‘Anxiety is a Bitch.’