Trying for a Baby

Trying for a Baby

 

E751ADE0-23FD-4D16-B7D8-31DA75A6D2C2
Smiley face of fertlity and me looking deranged
I begun writing this list in mid-February.  I wanted to share it earlier, to break the silence about that tends to come hand-in-hand with trying for a baby, but I didn’t have the guts. And now I’m pregnant I feel like a fraud.

However, I thought it was important to post it. Partly as a personal record of the experience. Also, it’s recent enough to remember how lonely I felt in those weeks and months felt, I trawled Google searching for people in the same boat .

So here it is:


  • To give you some context we were fortunate enough to conceive both Bertie and Woody on the second cycle.
  • In my mind, the first cycle was more like a trial run,  a ‘hump and hope’ if you will and therefore didn’t really count much.

  • Still, when we decided to try for a third baby we did the sensible thing and prepped ourselves by saying (repeatedly) “it might not happen as quickly the third time.”

  • Truthfully I said it because it’s one of those things you should say. In my heart, I backed our seeds to do what they were meant to, fast.

  • Cycle one, came and went. No biggy.

  • Cycle two, not so cool.

  • No luck Cycle 3 either. It’s safe to say I lost my cool.

  • ‘Don’t get obsessed’ I said. As if. I’m a self-confessed control freak. 

  • It’s around this time every second person tells you: ‘We got pregnant on the first go’ ‘we only had sex once’, ‘we weren’t even trying.’

  • Well, bully for you. I’m happy for you but JEALOUS! Horribly jealous.

  • And all the other emotions too. Frustration. Disappointment. And guilt.

  • Guilt every time I thought of friends on a long fertility journey. Those who had lost babies. 

  • Logically I knew I was lucky for so many reasons.

  • Logically I knew trying for a few months doesn’t constitute a struggle. Of course it doesn’t.

  • But even after a few months ‘trying for a baby’ was taking over my life 

  • Making me feel detached. Testing our relationship and my mental health in a big way.

  • I could only think in extremes. Either you got pregnant quickly or there was a reason to be concerned…
  • Again logically I knew this was bollocks.

  • But nobody  talks about the ‘in-betweeners‘. The couples who took  5, 9, 18 months to get up the duff.

  • Statistics say they exist. But noone seemed to admit to being one. They were either ‘one cycle wonders’ or ‘in need of fertility help’. 

  • All I wanted was someone’s else’s story to hang my hat on.

  • So cycle 3 and my rationale has gone out the window.

  • Cue obsessive analysis of discharge. Never has the gusset of my pants been so fascinating.

  • How can a squelch of something between your legs cause such a myriad of emotions?

  • Joy! I’m fertile and time to bonk or the crushing disappointment of blood on the toilet roll. Again.

    It’s such a lonely experience that moment sat on the bog knowing it’s all over.

  • The vows of  ‘no I’m not going to pee on sticks because it’s too much pressure’ quickly turn to ‘I’m DEFIANTLY going to pee on sticks. I want to know what’s going’.

  • Not only that I upgraded to the fancy Clear Blue Ones. If in doubt throw money at the problem. 

  • Maybe the lube is to blame.  Dr Internet says it can slow down his swimmers. Instanstly Amazon Prime Pre-seed. And why not get some pregnancy test while I’m there?

  • Which inevitably leads to testing too early. A negative result. Coupled with knowing you’ve pissed money away too (buying those pregnancy tests add up). It’s the double whammy.

  • Other mental behaviour includes:

  • Staying on your back after sex to keep the sperm in.

  • Being convinced your eggs have gone off on your 35th birthday. 

  • Asking your husband ‘Why we didn’t start having kids earlier?’ 

  • (Because we were too busy having fun, being irresponsible and crucially enjoying being a couple. All the right reasons to wait, which now have gone totally out the window).

  • Lying to yourself. Any chance the blood it could be implantation bleeding? You know it’s not.

  • Meanwhile, those imaginary goal posts keep moving. The baby that won’t be there at Christmas, the bump that won’t have appeared by a holiday. The preggo mate you won’t be in sync with. 

  • Nice plans get ruined too. My period showed up on my birthday and then on Mother’s Day. Talk about pissing (bleeding) on your parade.

    59368CB9-0EF8-4A31-AA6C-131B145412E5
    My period had showed up that morning. I watched my boys feeling lucky but sad.
  • And then the fact that most of disappointment always comes coupled with PMT. Vicious combo.

  • The searing pain, when a friend sends a text asking to borrow maternity clothes. Makes sense, you aren’t using them… 

  • And then there’s the fact that your entire social media feed is awash with mums. Torture.

  • A moment of optimism: at least I can drink at that event, thank goodness my baby-brain won’t affect that work project.

  • Again, lies. You’d rather have a tiny person inside you than all that stuff.

  • Stupid stupid body not doing what its suppose to.

  • But then there is always another month.

  • And another wait.

  • And another exciting week full of hope. ‘Could this be it’.

  • When your body tricks you with PMT symptoms that are just like early pregnancy symptoms.

  •  And my case gives me the longest cycle ever.  36 days!!! When I am normally 28ish. GAhhhhh!!

  • But you carry on, because its all you can do.

  • The more open I was the easier it got. I told my mum we were trying, then some friends and my sister. It stopped it feeling like a dirty secret. 

  • I coped by getting my husband really involved. I got him to really understand cycles. 

  • He was uncomfortable at first. But it made a massive difference. He begun to understand the intensity of the waiting game. 

  • I put lots of other exciting things in the diary as a distraction. 

  • I want to tell you I stopped thinking about it and then it ‘just happened’. That is not my personality.

  • I had acupuncture.

  • I gave up coffee.

  • I tried to exercise more.

  • I learned ALOT about my cycle.

  • I reminded myself that introducing regular sex into my relationship is a good thing, beyond the baby making,

  • I include pineapple and brazil nuts in my diet. Could be bollocks. But I didn’t care.

  • I was reminded that  “Everything Happens at the Time it is Meant To” and desperately wanted that to be true.

  • And I wrote this list. Over all the months I added to it. And it helped me feel better and I hoped that it helps anyone else stuck in that hormonal rut too

  • And then it did happen. After 5 months. We got pregnant. 

  • And I feel very very lucky.  The older I get the more I appreciate what a miracle conceiving and carrying a child is.

  • I also feel very empathetic to every single person reading this wanting it to be them.  I am crossing everything for you too. Because trying for a baby can be very very tough. And there’s me thinking for years well-timed shag. How unbelievably nieve of me.

    2488A12E-72B9-4055-BA10-3B80487C2245
    A few hours after finding out we were finally pregnant.
Advertisements

37 thoughts on “Trying for a Baby

  1. Reading this is exactly how I am currently feeling. And my god my cycle is also 36 days. I’m currently on day 35 and I’m enviably waiting for my period to come.
    Iv ached for a baby for years but have only started trying this year, and my god I am also a control freak and it’s freaking me out how beyond my control this is.
    Congratulations lovely lady. You deserve every inch of happiness. Xxx

    Like

  2. I love this list and could have written most of the points too. I am also pregnant with third baby (similar age gaps to you and this is going to be my third wonderful boy). I went for fertility testing after three cycles and the lovely doctor almost laughed me out the room but it was reassuring (and one of the developing follicles I saw on the dildo cam then became this baby!). As soon as we’d decided we were going to go for a third baby I felt immediately impatient and no matter how long you’ve been trying a negative pregnancy test when you want a positive makes you feel sad.

    Happy for you and family and good luck for rest of pregnancy (this one definitely has me saying never again!)

    Like

  3. Awww…I really enjoyed your blog…it took me and my husband a year and I felt everything you stated,but it happened…eventually! Happy for you and your family ❤️

    Like

  4. Thank you for writing about this, we were trying for our 2nd after falling within 3 months with our first and we got to 7 months of trying and we’ve decided to take a break as it’s driving me insane. Like you say you feel guilty when you know you’re lucky with babies you already have but sucks so much at the same time 😦 we are going to start again in a few months and I’m dreading it already knowing nothing happened after 7 months, it’s so easy to sit and say relax but you just can’t xxx

    Like

  5. Thank you for your article, it has made me realise I am not alone or turning into a crazy women. We suffered a miscarriage in April and every month I feel everything you felt. Our rainbow will happen soon. Congrats to you and your lovely family xxx

    Like

  6. I am one of the inbetweens! People don’t talk about us, and I think we’re the norm, surely! It took us 10 months to fall pregnant with our daughter and I could have written this! My personality, like yours, dictated that (despite remaining convinced I wouldn’t) I became obsessed with why it wasn’t happening after a few months – surely you have set once with no protection and bam, you’re done- alas no. It was only when I chilled a bit about it that it happened, who knows if that’s why- I’m guessing not really, but hey! Now she’s a year old, it doesn’t feel like the long, lonely, obsessive journey I know deep down it was. It’s so lonely. And boys don’t really understand, as muc as they might try, they can’t. The irony of it all was after I stopped bf-&!( my daughter at 11 months, I had one period and got pregnant again. After one period! Alas that little bean didn’t stick but for 7 baffling weeks it did. So there really is no rhyme or reason it seems. Thank you for writing this. It’s great and so true x

    Like

  7. Thank you for writing this list. It took us 18 long months of trying for our second and each passing month brought fresh heartache. There is hardly anything on the internet to support people with this and your list perfectly describes the emotional rollercoaster of trying to conceive. I felt so alone and also incredibly selfish as so many people can’t have children and we already had our son. Luckily, my husband was so understanding of my baby craziness and I came to understand how hard it was for him too. Each failed month affected him as much as me.
    I am pleased to say that baby number 2 is due 15th of Sept and we can’t wait for her arrival. I do appreciate how lucky we are and this has gotten me through even the roughest days of pregnancy! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

    Like

  8. This is really important – I’m in my late 20s and pregnant but we weren’t using protection for 2yrs before we fell pregnant. We weren’t “trying” that whole time but it was unsaid through the conscious choice to not use contraception. I spent my whole teen years terrified that one mistake would make me pregnant and then suddenly it seemed like I would never get pregnant. I don’t think enough people talk about how hard it really is – thank You!

    Like

  9. I love this!! It took us 18 months first time and a year second time expecting in December! Every word is so true and the longer it takes the harder it gets. It is so stressful and puts so much pressure on you your body and relationship! Congratulations on baby number 3! X

    Like

  10. Thanks so much for writing this…. I’m on day 2 of my period after trying 3 months of trying. Was pretty disappointed on Sunday when the cramps kicked in by seeing your post made me feel better. You know there are other people in your position but reading it especially from someone who’s been there helps.
    Always a pleasure reading your posts and following you on Insta.
    Big congratulations on your third bubba and thanks again x

    Like

  11. I’ve had both sides of this so I can really relate. My first took us over a year to conceive with us going for help and then finding out we were pregnant on our first appointment. I am now pregnant with baby no2 which was conceived within a week of trying! Life really surprises you sometimes.

    Like

  12. This isn’t exactly how I felt trying for our second baby. My first baby was completely out of the blue and we were bith shocked as kids was never really on the agenda. So I felt when I didn’t fall pregnant easily on the second it was because of all the horrible thoughts I had when I found out first time round. Now thinking of a third and glad I am not alone thinking all these crazy thoughts!

    Like

  13. It’s so frustrating isn’t it – when you spend years, absolute years, almost DECADES (or one at least!) trying not to get pregnant. Avoiding even LOOKING at your partners wedding tackle at the wrong time of the month, lest you be knocked up quicker than a Lean-In-15! Then when you want in “The Club”, when you couldn’t want anything more, it feels like it takes forever and every little tiny detail gets poured over and obsessed about. I feel you, this list is everything.

    Like

  14. Thank you for giving me your story to hang my hat on! So naive to how long it could take having had success with the first try with number one. This makes me feel so much better!! x

    Like

  15. This is just what I needed to read today. We are month 2 of trying for our first baby and my period arrived this morning! The overwhelming sadness coupled with feeling stupid for letting it effect me so much after only 2 months – you have made me feel human and given me a pick me up – thank you. I will now enjoy the much needed (and allowed) glass of wine!

    Like

  16. I woke up with familiar cramps this morning, 7 months into tcc with our first, and I was so glad to have this list for company as sat on bed crying, feeling hopelessly lonely and afraid. I’m 35 next year and on days like this curse myself for waiting so long – but as you say we have very good reasons, not least only finding each other a couple of years ago!
    I’m also a control freak and need to be doing something, so I booked a dr appointment for this week and ordered some special lube!! The internet can be a rabbit hole of panic and ‘baby dust’ (urgh – sorry if that’s your thing, but it makes me cringe so hard I could expel my uterus) so it was nice to find this sane/ insane list x

    Like

  17. We’ve been trying for our first for 3 and a half years. It’s such heartbreaking experience. It’s the not knowing if I’ll ever be a mum that kills me. We started young ish, pre engagement and marriage. I just need to be a mum and for my husband to be a dad. I should probably stop reading mum blogs but it’s just who I want to be. I’ve gone through all the above and seen friends have two children after starting trying months and months after us. Big love to everyone who is going through this but hasn’t had their positive result or healthy baby xxx

    Like

  18. Congratulations I am so happy for you! Wow reading this is like reading my own feelings right at this very moment. We are in the early stages of trying and we don’t have any kids at the moment so all the feelings are new and scary. So much pressure, mainly due to myself. Trying not to over think and worry myself but it’s hard. Any advice? Other than trying to not think about it any relax? Anything you felt did help or work?
    Xx

    Like

  19. Thank you for writing this, it’s like you’ve downloaded the contents of my brain. After a miscarriage earlier this year we are 5 months into trying for baby number 2 and it feels like it’s taking over my life. I’m usually a sane and logical person but each week I feel that slipping away – at least I know I’m not entirely mad now 😉 Love your lists, and congrats on baby number three xx

    Like

  20. Thank you so much for posting this. We are going though exactly the same thing, with two beautiful healthy girls, and with my very best friend going though IVF. You feel as though you are being greedy, or that you don’t deserve to feel dissapointed because you have felt that joy before. Don’t get me wrong, I think about how lucky we are to have this particular problem all the time, but that can make that moment when you go to the toilet and find that horrible red smear on the paper very lonely. I have no right to complain to my best friend, my mum tells me that I have two already and that I should feel very grateful, and I do, but still, that imaginary baby that we already love so much, who would add so much to our already wonderful family is THERE ALL THE TIME. So so happy that yours is real! Lots and lots of love xx

    Like

  21. Yep, I’m in the very same boat. I’m in my late 20s and just assumed conceiving would be a walk in the park for me, I was so cocky! We’re trying for #1 and on cycle 9 and still nothing. The “are we infertile” non-conversation that we never fully have, the “can you eat more fruit please?” and “if you go out PLEASE don’t drink too much” through gritted teeth, and “hey adoption sounds like a great idea!” . I don’t want to be nagging my husband to change how he lives his life, I just want to experience the seemingly easy ride “everyone else” seems to have. I have confidence we will get there but I am getting impatient. Your blog summed it all up really well. Congratulations on your lovely news xx

    Like

  22. We’re the couple that took 13 months. All my friends got pregnant within 3 months or had been trying for years – no in between. I was convinced there was something wrong. I cried at the site of blood, like properly sobbed. Sometimes I did a test anyway just in case I was that rare case that had periods even though I was pregnant. Then after some tests the pressure lifted in some way and it happened the following month. We started trying for another baby when our first child was four months incase it took over 12 months again. It took five months but the pressure was off we weren’t obsessing. The emotions when trying for a baby are intense. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy! Xx

    Like

  23. Oh my goodness – this list is like you took the thoughts right out of my head! We got pregnant the first month when trying for our first, so I fully expected the same same thing second time round – 3 months tops (telling myself we wouldn’t be quite so lucky second time round). … So when it actually took a year – one incredibly long year, it was tough and worrying times! Fortunately we got there in the end 👱🏼‍♀️👧🏼. Thank you for this article, when I think back to those times I feel like I lost my marbles and didn’t handle it well but this has made me feel normal! Thanks x

    Like

  24. This is a great blog thank you! I am in the ‘trying to conceive cycle’ now and everything you said is so true! Sometimes it’s just nice to know we aren’t on our own in these experiences 😘
    Hope you’re pregnancy goes well for you xx

    Like

  25. I enjoyed reading this! I have unfortunately got fertility issues and will never fall naturally but before I knew about these issues I remember the ‘TTC madness’. It’s irrational and all consuming!! Mostly for me it’s been dealing with the mental side of things, I definitely think there is a mental strife that goes hand in hand with TTC and infertility. Anyway, very pleased for you!! Thanks for the read 🙂

    Like

  26. I wanted to write a response to your list.
    I’m very happy for you and congratulate you on the news of your pregnancy, and it’s great you have shared your story and I believe more awareness is needed.
    However, I feel people always ‘share’ after their struggle- when they have the good news, or the ‘happy ending’
    I don’t mean this to be in a negative way, but I wonder why you didn’t share your list before you had your fantastic news?
    I’m only writing a response, as I am on my own journey. I am now 40, suffered a miscarriage at 10 weeks last October, and have been trying for a baby for nearly 2 years.
    I am now going through Ivf, I have one embryo frozen. I had to have an op in June to remove a polyps, and have since been diagnosed with a tumour (benign) for which I now need surgery to remove.
    Our journey to conceive will continue, and hopefully one day we will have good news.

    Like

    1. I shared with my friends and family earlier, but wasn’t feeling emotional robust enough to share it with people I didn’t know. I wish I could have done it earlier whilst in the midst of the struggle, but I couldn’t. Sorry if that’s a disappointment to you, but as you know it’s a deeply personal experience. Wishing you all the luck and love on your journey. Xx

      Like

  27. This list is everything! And you’ve hit the nail on the head!

    We’re pretty much into our 84th(ish) cycle, which means we’ve been trying for roughly 7years.
    We’ve been tested and told that there is “nothing wrong” with either of us and that ivf is our only option. I have so far refused this, though the man is up for it! We have lost one, that we didn’t know about until afterwards!, I’ve tried temping and the checking of the mucus.
    In the the last 6year’s, I’ve watched countless friends, my brother and his fiancee and my sister, all fall pregnant just by blinking!

    What I hate in all of this is the “do gooders” who tell me that I’m “lucky as I already have one and surely I should be happy with my lot!”
    Fuck off is what I say to that! Sorry for swearing!

    But I won’t give up! We have been blessed with a beautiful daughter who is now 9 and while she IS more than enough and I adore her, I would love to give her a sibling. I’m one of 3 and the man has a sister and we love our respective sisters and brother and know how ace it is to have them and want that for our kiddo!

    To you and your lovely family, HUGE congratulations on baby #3 and to all those ladies and gents who are trying hard, don’t give up xx

    Also, sorry for rambling!

    Like

  28. Thank you for writing this. So spot on and so much more reassuring to read than any Google search that comes up not to mention all the acronyms I can’t decipher! I am ‘TTC’ after having one very quickly conceived 2 & 1/2 year old boy and a miscarriage at 11 weeks in July after 4 months of trying. So like you, my expectations are high! Whilst also telling myself, at my age (38) it could take a while….and then feeling guilty for not being satisfied with my lot. I find myself looking at mums with 2 kids, trying to guess the age of the mum and then the age difference between the 2 children then worrying if the bigger the age gap the less likely my children are to have a bond! I have thought & done everything on your list, so we are not alone, but this isn’t something I can talk about openly either. So after 6 days of baby making this cycle, sometimes half asleep…..ha…will see what next month brings a ‘BFP’ or a disapointing ‘BFN’… Congratulations to you on your pregnancy & good luck xx

    Like

  29. Loved reading your list. Chuckled at the familiar crazy bits and welled up at the realisation this behaviour could be on the cards for a while to come for me!
    We conceived our daughter, now approaching four, very easily but have not been so lucky second time round. After 8 months TTC we fell pregnant but lost the baby at 12 weeks. I was given all the promises that “people fall really quickly after a miscarriage” but alas, not us. We’re now nearly a year in and still no positive result. Like another lady who commented I cringe at the baby-dust brigade but find myself reading the blogs regardless.
    I go through stages of being almost vegan, shunning coffee, resisting prosecco and having acupuncture and reflexology regularly to then thinking F-it and making it my personal mission to have as many hangovers as possible.

    My daughter is everything and like so many other people commenting here I get told all the time I should be thankful for her. I want to shout “I am you dickhead that’s why it breaks my heart to see her playing alone”. She asks me daily when she will be a big sister. What are you meant to say to that?
    Wishing all the ladies on this thread that longed for baby, whether it’s your first, second, third….whatever. Longing for a baby is lonely and hard and losing one is just bloody devastating. It’s really difficult to talk about because no matter how intelligent you are, a bit of you feels guilty and like your are failing in some way. Even though we are not.
    Thankyou Clemmie for your honest account and huge congratulations on your happy news.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Wow, I can relate to so many of these things. There’s nothing worse than finding out on Mother’s Day that your not pregnant, that has happened to me and it makes a difficult day even worse. My husband and I struggled for six years before having our first and so many of the things you said I could laugh with because I know what you mean. I’m so happy for you and congratulations! I’m hoping when we start for our second that it won’t be as difficult because I’m getting older too. Where did the time go? Praying for a healthy and happy baby. Take care.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s