TRYING FOR A BABY

 

I begun writing this list in mid-February.  I wanted to share it earlier, to break the silence about that tends to come hand-in-hand with trying for a baby, but I didn’t have the guts. And now I’m pregnant I feel like a fraud.

However, I thought it was important to post it. Partly as a personal record of the experience. Also, it’s recent enough to remember how lonely I felt in those weeks and months felt, I trawled Google searching for people in the same boat .

So here it is:

---

• To give you some context we were fortunate enough to conceive both Bertie and Woody on the second cycle.

• In my mind, the first cycle was more like a trial run,  a ‘hump and hope’ if you will and therefore didn’t really count much.

• Still, when we decided to try for a third baby we did the sensible thing and prepped ourselves by saying (repeatedly) “it might not happen as quickly the third time.”

• Truthfully I said it because it’s one of those things you should say. In my heart, I backed our seeds to do what they were meant to, fast.

• Cycle one, came and went. No biggy.

• Cycle two, not so cool.

• No luck Cycle 3 either. It’s safe to say I lost my cool.

• ‘Don’t get obsessed’ I said. As if. I’m a self-confessed control freak. 

• It’s around this time every second person tells you: ‘We got pregnant on the first go’ ‘we only had sex once’, ‘we weren’t even trying.’

• Well, bully for you. I’m happy for you but JEALOUS! Horribly jealous.

• And all the other emotions too. Frustration. Disappointment. And guilt.

• Guilt every time I thought of friends on a long fertility journey. Those who had lost babies. 

• Logically I knew I was lucky for so many reasons.

• Logically I knew trying for a few months doesn’t constitute a struggle. Of course it doesn’t.

• But even after a few months ‘trying for a baby’ was taking over my life 

• Making me feel detached. Testing our relationship and my mental health in a big way.

• I could only think in extremes. Either you got pregnant quickly or there was a reason to be concerned…

• Again logically I knew this was bollocks.

• But nobody  talks about the ‘in-betweeners‘. The couples who took  5, 9, 18 months to get up the duff.

• Statistics say they exist. But noone seemed to admit to being one. They were either ‘one cycle wonders’ or ‘in need of fertility help’. 

• All I wanted was someone’s else’s story to hang my hat on.

• So cycle 3 and my rationale has gone out the window.

• Cue obsessive analysis of discharge. Never has the gusset of my pants been so fascinating.

• How can a squelch of something between your legs cause such a myriad of emotions?

• Joy! I’m fertile and time to bonk or the crushing disappointment of blood on the toilet roll. Again.

• It’s such a lonely experience that moment sat on the bog knowing it’s all over.

• The vows of  ‘no I’m not going to pee on sticks because it’s too much pressure’ quickly turn to ‘We HAVE to start peeing on sticks. I NEED to know what’s going’.

• Not only that I (of course) upgraded to the fancy Clear Blue Ones. If in doubt throw money at the problem. 

• Maybe the lube is to blame.  Dr Internet says it can slow down his swimmers. Instantly Amazon Prime something called Pre-seed…

• And, why not get some pregnancy test while I’m there?

• Which inevitably leads to testing too early. A negative result. Coupled with knowing you’ve pissed money away too (buying those pregnancy tests add up). It’s the double whammy.

• Other mental behaviour includes:

• Staying on your back after sex to keep the sperm in.

• Being convinced your eggs have gone off on your 35th birthday. 

• Asking your husband ‘Why we didn’t start having kids earlier?’ 

• (Because we were too busy having fun, being irresponsible and crucially enjoying being a couple. All the right reasons to wait, which now have gone totally out the window).

• Lying to yourself. Any chance the blood it could be implantation bleeding? You know it’s not.

• Meanwhile, those imaginary goal posts keep moving. The baby that won’t be there at Christmas, the bump that won’t have appeared by a holiday. The preggo mate you won’t be in sync with. 

• Nice plans get ruined too. My period showed up on my birthday and then on Mother’s Day. Talk about pissing (bleeding) on your parade.

  

• And then the fact that most of disappointment of not being pregnant always comes coupled with PMT. Vicious combo.

• The searing pain, when a friend sends a text asking to borrow maternity clothes. Makes sense, you aren’t using them… 

• And then there’s the fact that your entire social media feed is awash with mums. Torture.

• A moment of optimism: at least I can drink at that event, thank goodness my baby-brain won’t affect that work project.

• Again, lies. You’d rather have a tiny person inside you than all that stuff.

• Stupid stupid body not doing what its suppose to.

• But then there is always another month.

• And another wait.

• And another exciting week full of hope. ‘Could this be it’.

• When your body tricks you with PMT symptoms that are just like early pregnancy symptoms.

•  And my case gives me the longest cycle ever.  36 days!!! When I am normally 28ish. GAhhhhh!!

• But you carry on, because its all you can do.

• The more open I was the easier it got. I told my mum we were trying, then some friends and my sister. It stopped it feeling like a dirty secret. 

• I coped by getting my husband really involved. I got him to properly understanding how cycles work. 

• He was uncomfortable at first. But it made a massive difference. He begun to understand the intensity of the waiting game. 

• I put lots of other exciting things in the diary as a distraction. 

• I want to tell you I stopped thinking about it and then it ‘just happened’. That is not my personality.

• I had acupuncture.

• I gave up coffee.

• I tried to exercise more.

• I learned ALOT about my cycle.

• I reminded myself that introducing regular sex into my relationship is a good thing, beyond the baby making,

• I include pineapple and brazil nuts in my diet. Could be bollocks. But I didn’t care.

• I was reminded that  “Everything Happens at the Time it is Meant To” and desperately wanted that to be true.

• And I wrote this list. Over all the months I added to it. And it helped me feel better and I hoped that it helps anyone else stuck in that hormonal rut too

• And then it did happen. After 5 months. We got pregnant. 

• And I feel very very lucky.  The older I get the more I appreciate what a miracle conceiving and carrying a child is.

• I also feel very empathetic to every single person reading this wanting it to be them.  I am crossing everything for you too. Because trying for a baby can be very very tough.

• Especially as for most of my life I was under the impression that it was a simple as having a well-timed shag. How unbelievably naive of me.

  

  A few hours after finding out we were finally pregnant.