A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WOULD BE PERFECT PARENT

Nothing gets me through the trials and tribulations of Motherhood than a bit of humour and solidarity.  Marnie aka @eskimo_nell is one if those internet finds who, though she is all the way over in New Zealand, I still feel very bonded with. We recently had babies at the same time and I can’t tell you how reassuring it is to see someone else look who looks as knackered, but happy, but mainly really knackered as me.

This hilarious list talks about how we start each day full of enthusiasm, that TODAY will be the day we will WIN at parenting, only to have our hopes dashed, before the kids have even finished breakfast.

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• A day in the life of one mama who is forever attempting the bloody ridiculous and totally impossible tightrope act of perfection – do not try this at home. It’s a total mind f*&k.

• 5.30am

• I get up! Totally willingly of course, because today is a wonderful new day filled with potential and the wonderment of my offspring growing up before my eyes but also because I have a tiny critter giving my nipple a Chinese burn while demanding bananas.

• I set him up with said banana in front of the TV – Peppa Pig (I bow down to thee) – but only three (or four or five or ten) episodes coz you know, scientific studies say screen time gives your child square eyes, rotting brain, you’re a neglectful parent and all that.

• I sit down to do some mindfulness/meditation/yoga shit in these precious minutes.

• Perfect mamas can both care for their children and their own mental/spiritual/emotional wellbeing! I close my eyes and take deeeeep breaths, clearing my mind of everything – except; visions of burning River’s porridge, piles of washing lurking in the corner of every room, my husband’s job interview and whether or not we’ll be poor and destitute in two weeks when his contract finishes, oh and Trump and how the world is spiralling into a pit of political despair.

• Anyway yay wasn’t that relaxing and good for the mind/body/soul.

• 8am

• Dishes done, house somewhat resembling liveable, washing on, squeezed in answering emails while child hangs off my leg demanding attention #girlboss #mumpreneur.

•  Now it’s time for a walk! Yes, I am an amazing specimen of health & holistic wellbeing! I plop River in the stroller and head out into the freezing morning. But I’m not complaining – hell no! – I’m appreciating the fresh air, the chance to stretch my legs (you know some people don’t have legs so I should be grateful).

• I even walk up a hill – what a champion. But I can’t just pant and sweat my way through this walk. Of course not! I have my child with me and there are learning opportunities – look sweetheart, some trees! What colour are their leaves? Green, well done! And do you know why trees have green leaves – fuck me neither!

• 8.45am

• We get home – River is pretending to push a pair of my shoes around in his toy pram #nogendersterotypeshurrr which allows me a 5-8 minute time slot to shower and make myself look funky, chic, put-together but not like I’m trying too hard. Heaven forbid I wear something just for its utility! But wait wait wait, cleavage and practicality check – have I nailed hobo chic or have we gone hobo slut or just hobo hobo.  Baby sensory class mums will totally talk if my look is more K Road than Wednesday morning Under the Sea theme at Point Chev Presbytarian church.

• 9am

•  Holy shitballs it’s 9am – morning activity time! Today’s outing is the Science Playroom which is amazing because it’s fully fenced in and the children can’t escape. Big win.

• We are waiting for friends so I get out my phone to check my social media, to stay on top of what’s cool, what my friends are doing, what’s happening in the world. But only for a few minutes – before it becomes oh so unacceptable in the judgey eyes of other even more perfect mums than me who NEVER look on their phones.

•  Our friends arrive – the kids head past the super intellectually stimulating activities and make a beeline for the sandpit to fling it into the doll’s house and basically everywhere they’re not meant to.

• Which is sweet as coz we’re chill mums, we’re cool mums who don’t helicopter parent and you know, let kids be kids.

• But we’re also not slacker mums either so we find the perfect mix of kinda cool kinda all over the learning opportunities but definitely not calling them naughty/bad/etc and definitely using phrases like “the sand lives in the sandbox and it would be much happier in there than in the doll house”.

•  Phew perfect parenting moment accomplished so we steal away for a coffee (decaf for me – hello anxiety) and a chat.

• We catch up on what new things our kids are doing (in a totally proud but totally humble definitely not bragging manner), how they’re sleeping (still not fab, 20 months later) and then move on to important, philosophical matters coz you know, our lives can’t just revolve around our offspring, a perfect mum must be able to have fantastically interesting conversations on all sorts of issues including politics, philosophy, and current affairs.

• Midday

• The child sleeps! ‘Tis a miracle. Ah-ha the perfect time for me to clean the house/hang out the washing/eat a well-balanced meal with superfoods and all that/cram 3 hours of work into 15 minutes/listen to an educational podcast (see: former point about fantastically interesting conversations)/keep our family budget excel spreadsheet up to date with accurate forecasting of future ability to implement landscaping work in the next few months/scroll Instagram to feel like a normal person connected to the outside world/oh wow, the baby’s awake and demanding bananas. Again.

• 4pm

• Time to make dinner, the never-ending cycle of preparing meals for my toddler whose taste buds are more volatile than the situation in the Middle East (wow those educational podcasts are really paying off).

• As the quinoa, baked cumin-spiced kumara falafel Moroccan patties with a side of broccolini is cooking I start to message my non-mum friends about going for a wine/cheese/dinner/gilmoregirlsmarathon just like the old days, which I will 100% delete before sending as the only thing worse than never making plans is being a flake.

• Thank god it’s completely and utterly 10/10 acceptable perfect mum behaviour to pour a giant glass of wine in the middle of the afternoon.

• 6.30pm

• Hallelujah, the husband is home! I am the picture of homelife bliss and totally resist the urge to fling the baby (who has taken one bite of the falafels and declared them yukky and relentlessly requested with a prodding finger only blueberries for dinner regardless of the fact that I oh so perfectly and super zen like explained to him that it’s dinner time darling and we must eat all our delicious food otherwise we’ll be hungry and wake up at 1.30 fucking-a.m demanding bananas!!!!) at him and escape to, well anywhere really.

• Instead I greet him with a mile-wide smile (thank you giant wine) and a hey babe how was your day I’m suuuuuper interested and can’t wait to hear all about it! No no keep talking I can absolutely engage in a conversation while wrestling a tiny person with poo smooshing through into their trousers.

• 8.30pm

• We’re finally alone. Just the two of us. How nice is that – quality time.

• My mental bandwith is literally zero and I really just want to stalk people on Instagram but in the spirit of being perfect I attempt to engage in meaningful conversation about interesting things (while avoiding anything downer such as mealtimetantrums/poop/sleepandorlackthereof/anxiety/dishes/cleaning/washing/logistics) coz not only am I a cool mum but I’m a cool wife too and ain’t no perfect mama got time for bad days – right?

• 11pm

•  I make mental notes – hell who am I kidding, I am making actual physical notes on all the things I need to do tomorrow (perfection doesn’t just make itself people) before slipping into a super sexy matching tank top and panties to hop into bed looking like a dream saucy princess for my husband.

• Bahahahhahaha okay that last bit is absolutely not true so maybe I’m not 100% perfect after all.

• THANK GOD.