Living With Sexual Intrusive Thoughts

  • I have OCD – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
  • I’m going to explain what that means, because not enough people understand.
  • It’s not what you might think.
  • It’s irrational, it’s cruel and it’s so, so frightening.
  • ‘Obsessive’ – means obsessional thoughts and feelings that you just can’t let go.
  • Terrifying thoughts (they can be impulses too).
  • My obsessions are upsetting obsessional sexual thoughts.
  • Thoughts that I could do something awful – filling me with anxiety.
  • Constantly repeating in my mind.
  • ‘Compulsive’ – Compulsions are your reactions to these thoughts.
  • Things you feel will stop the thoughts becoming real.
  • My ‘Compulsions’ were very covert, invisible behaviours.
  • I became a master at hiding them and didn’t always recognise them myself.
  • A big one was avoidance.
  • I’ve had times where I was terrified of being too close to members of my family for fear of doing something awful to them.
  • Another was being overly aware of my hand placement. I would often sit on my hands to stop them acting on perceived impulses.
  • I would argue with myself in my head for hours to the point of not being able to concentrate on much else. Once you start a dialogue with OCD you have lost against it.
  • The obsessional sexual thoughts started when I was 19.
  • I read something in a book about a young boy being abused (part of a plot line I wasn’t expecting) and became bombarded with intrusive thoughts.
  • I became hyper sensitive to any news reports along that theme and my brain tormented me with the constant ‘what if’. ‘If they are capable, I am capable’.
  • ‘What if. What if. What if…’
  • It got so bad and so upsetting that I remember being alone in my room one day and screaming ‘JUST STOP’ over and over.
  • I was terrified it meant I was an evil person capable of doing these things.
  • I hunted desperately online for anyone else going through the same.
  • I found hundreds of forums about ‘intrusive thoughts’.
  • But so few people were talking about it without being anonymous, which made it still feel so shameful.
  • Little did I know that reading these articles again and again was a compulsion that was feeding my obsessive thoughts.
  • I lived through a rollercoaster of OCD episodes throughout my 20s.
  • Panic attack after panic attack never being sure what was happening to me.
  • Then I’d feel better.
  • Then I thought I’d beaten it.
  • Then I had my daughter.
  • When she was three months old my OCD manifested itself as an irrational fear that I could abuse her.
  • Despite knowing I may be hit with my OCD (it comes in waves of ‘episodes’) when she was born, my pregnancy was so good that I felt like I had a handle on it.
  • It crept up on me when I was at my most sleep deprived and vulnerable.
  • I saw a headline about the abuse of a child on Facebook and that was it, a huge trigger knocked me into the worst OCD episode I’ve experienced.
  • At first I just bawled my eyes out, it haunted me for days and then suddenly it twisted. It filled me with dread that I could be capable of harming her.
  • From then I became lost in a battle of compulsions.
  • When my husband left the house I would spend hours crying curled in a ball on the sofa just reading about other people’s OCD experiences over and over.
  • I could only just about bring myself to do the basics to look after my daughter.
  • Then I had a series of days where I would leave the house with her straight after my husband left for work so I wouldn’t be alone with her.
  • I didn’t realize that all of these behaviours were just fuelling my irrational belief and making me feel worse and worse.
  • Any parent can tell you that the thought of threat to their child will make them feel sick to their stomach.
  • The best way I can describe how my OCD felt is living with this constant sick feeling 24/7.
  • The moment I woke up with her lying in her basket next to me.
  • Every time I was alone with her, gave her a bath, changed her nappy.
  • I knew I had to do something.
  • I opened up to my husband, and a few close family and friends.
  • I had waves of relief.
  • They responded so compassionately and with such understanding I couldn’t quite believe it.
  • This was the beginning of my road to recovery.
  • After the initial relief I became overwhelmed with feelings of doubt.
  • I became convinced I should be locked up so my daughter could be safe.
  • I then completely broke down.
  • I called my health visitor in floods of tears.
  • She was so compassionate.
  • She called the NHS crisis team to come to see me.
  • My husband came home from work to look after us both.
  • We waited and waited and no one came.
  • I don’t want the focus of this to be about how underfunded the NHS is.
  • But when you’re in the system you realize how true it is.
  • I ended up walking myself to our local A&E.
  • I was numb with fear.
  • I laid there sobbing uncontrollably.
  • They kept me over night.
  • Most of the staff were incredibly supportive.
  • But one Psychiatric Nurse had not come across OCD before.
  • She mentioned social services.
  • I completely clammed up and refused to speak to her.
  • That moment was so damaging to me.
  • I was petrified they would not let me see my daughter.
  • The next morning my husband and daughter came up to see me.
  • Just thinking about this moment is so heartbreaking.
  • It must have been difficult for him to see me like that.
  • That was the lowest moment in this whole journey.
  • Now for the positive stuff.
  • I’m getting better.
  • I barely remember the horrific feelings.
  • I ended up being officially diagnosed twice.
  • Once on the NHS and once privately at The Priory.
  • They were both the same  — Obsessive Compulsive Disorder  —  I needed to hear it from two Psychiatrists.
  • Getting a diagnosis is so important.
  • Exposure therapy (a specific form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) saved me.

My ‘Compulsions’ were very covert, invisible behaviours. I became a master at hiding them and didn’t always recognise them myself. Kim French

  • I did ten weeks of weekly sessions.
  • It set me truly on the road to recovery – I still go every few months.
  • I take an antidepressant called Sertaline.
  • It works for me.
  • I might stop taking it one day.
  • I might not.
  • Right now I’m not prepared to rock the boat.
  • I also believe strongly in shaking the stigma attached to taking medication for your mental health.
  • Getting better is a process.
  • You have to be dedicated.
  • You have to be unimaginably brave.
  • There is so much to it.
  • Here are a few things I’ve learned:
  • Recognizing is not enough.
  • I did that.
  • 7 years ago I went to a mental health clinic when I was living out in Canada.
  • They said I had OCD, but it was like I wasn’t really listening.
  • I felt that I’d done my part by acknowledging that there was something wrong.
  • The moment I started to feel a bit better I just carried on without addressing it.
  • Don’t push the thoughts away.
  • Let them in.
  • Accept them and let them be there.
  • Eventually they will subside naturally.
  • Stop your compulsions.
  • This sounds near impossible.
  • It will fill you with fear and anxiety.
  • But you must stop or delay them as long as possible as they are fuelling your obsessions.
  • My little girl is almost 2 now, she is the happiest little thing (aside from those tantrums!).
  • I now feel like I am able to be the mom I want to be.
  • A strong one.
  • If I can make it through this, then I can take on anything life throws at me. Even being back at work and dealing with teething and nights of little sleep feels like a doddle compared to battling my OCD.
  • I also volunteer for the charity Maternal OCD, the women who run it, Diana and Maria were an incredible support to me. You can read other success stories on their website – https://maternalocd.org/