BOYS DON’T CRY. A LOOK AT MALE MENTAL HEALTH

MENTAL HEALTH, SOCIAL MEDIA, THOUGHT-PROVOKING, TRAVEL

When Carrie, who’s brother I am friends with from my time in advertising, approached me about sharing a list based on the study she was conducting on Male Mental Health I was thrilled as it’s a subject close to my heart. Carrie is researching the role of masculinity from the ‘Sadlands’ of the UK to the ‘Happylands’ in Denmark while living and travelling in a VW campervan with her dog, Dougie. The project is called The Happylands. This is part of what she has learned so far:

Big boys don’t cry.
Man up.
Hush. Don’t be silly. Get up. You’re fine. When a baby boy falls over and cries.
Boys will be boys.
Boys don’t like to read.
He just can’t sit still.
He’s a mummy’s boy.
Go on lad. Any hole is a goal.
He is such a typical boy.
It’s just banter.
Culture. Hollywood. Schools. Communities. Social media. Books. Toys.
Subtle, everyday little things are what create a man.
Back in the day it used to be thought that masculinity was simply being biologically male.
That male behaviours like, being the hunter-gatherer or the breadwinner, territorial and sexually promiscuous were all biologically driven.
Testosterone rules the day. Right?
Not quite.
That is an outdated science and an old-school way of thinking that still permeates society today.
Men are not hardwired to be a viking or a caveman.
They are made.
Men. Women. Gender roles. Is a social construct.
There are lots of different types of masculinity but it is universally agreed that there is always one type of masculinity that is honoured above all others.
The Top Dog. The Tony Soprano. The Godfather.
The Traditional Male.
Traditional masculinity emphasises traits like physical strength, emotional stoicism, projected self-sufficiency, and heterosexual dominance over women, wealth, professional success, power, risk taking, invulnerability, virility, control, dominance, excessive competitiveness and a rejection of femininity.
So when we hear people discuss ‘traditional masculinity’ or ‘toxic masculinity’ this is what they are talking about.
It is not an attack on traditional values.
It is not saying ALL masculinity is toxic.
And it is thought that boys’ socialisation toward this concept of masculinity is detrimental to their emotional development, how they form relationships and overall, psychological health.
It puts them in the “Man Box”
Or I prefer to call it the Man Cage.
A cage we are all trapped in.
For example, emotional stoicism is regarded as a defining feature of masculinity.
And as a result it is common for boys to be emotionally miseducated through their gender socialisation by being told explicitly and implicitly, to hide their vulnerability and emotion.
Know a man who just won’t tell you what is wrong? Know a man who bottles things up until it explodes? Know a man who can’t ask for help?
Know a man?
When men collide with these so-called masculine norms – of being stoical when really they are falling apart inside, of needing to be the economic provider when they have lost their job, of acting ultra-macho when really all they want to do is play with a dollhouse or sit quietly to read a book – then this is called Gender Role Conflict.
Over 35 years worth of studies on Gender Role Conflict showed correlations with low self-esteem, anxiety and depression.
If you think about it, it makes total sense.
When you are trying so hard to conform to what is expected of you from your friends, from your family, and from society as a whole, but for various reasons you are just not meeting those exceptions…
Well then, damn, that is a mighty big cliff to fall from.
It is little surprise then, that suicide is the most common cause of death for men aged 20-49 years in England and Wales.
Suicide has risen to the point that if you are a man younger than 50 years old, you are more likely to die by suicide than cancer, road accidents or heart disease.
Men are nearly three times more likely than women to become alcohol dependent and are more likely to use, and die from, illegal drugs.
95% of the prison population is male, with 72% of male prisoners suffering from two or more mental disorders.
35% of men said they feel lonely at least once a week.
These statistics not only reveal serious issues surrounding men’s mental health, but male emotional and psychological distress emerge in ways that do not fit comfortably within conventional approaches to diagnosis.
So how do we support our sons, partners, fathers, brothers and other men in our lives?
Lets first focus on our young boys.
1. Check in with our own internalised traditional masculine ideology
As women we have also been socially conditioned to believe and expect boys and men to behave in a certain way. Just check in with yourself. Have a little explore about what you believe and ask yourself;
How does this effect they way I treat the men in my life and the way I let them treat me?
Never stop asking yourself this question.
Then make the necessary tweaks to the toys, books, clothes you buy, to the way you speak to them, to the way you listen to them, and to the way you let them treat you.
If you’re looking for books that smash gender stereotypes for both girls and boys I put a list together here!
2. Reinforce behaviours that shatter stereotypes
For example, a father may tell a son in tears, “sometimes I feel like crying, too.”
Encourage co-ed play dates.
Question all generalisations.
For instance, when the girls tell the boys, ‘Pretend you’re the dad, and it’s time for you to come home from work. I’m the mum, and I’m taking care of the baby,’ ask the kids, “Do you know mummy’s can go out to work each day and Daddy’s can care for the babies too?”
3. Focus on raising a good huMAN.
Of course, it is wonderful to teach boys to respect women. Of course.
But this can also reinforce stereotypical gender roles.
Instead, teach boys to respect ALL people.
Not someone’s wife, someone’s daughter, or someone’s sister.
Just someone.
Kindness, empathy, compassion, tolerance, acceptance, respect and equality is simply being a good huMAN.
4. Listen and Validate
Emotions don’t need fixing; they need to be processed by the person feeling them.
This is a hard lesson to learn but it is important to know all behaviour is a form of communication.
When boys are crying, upset, sad, frustrated or angry, they are, sometimes in the most unloving way, trying to tell you something.
They are asking for emotional support.
If boys are not able to express themselves fully then ignoring and suppressing feelings will eventually become an alternative way of coping.
And worst of all — a lack empathy and understanding of emotions in others.
Help them identify and process the feeling with something like, “I know, the other kids didn’t want to play with you and it hurts. You’re sad. You’re really, really sad right now.”
Then sit and be with them.
And what about the adult men in our lives? How can we support them?
5. All of the above. Then…
6. Look out for different behaviour
Men are less likely to seek professional help.
And as those statistics earlier showed men don’t do anything conventional.
Look out for unusual behaviour. Are they drinking more? Struggling to sleep? Sleeping too much? Fixating on extreme exercise or competitions? Are they withdrawn? Are they excessively over the top? Are they lashing out?
Anger. Anger is an acceptable emotion to have thanks to masculine ideology.
It is sometimes a sign something much deeper is happening.
But if a man ever takes his rage out on you or the children then he needs help and so do you. Women’s Aid is there for you 24/7.
7. Ask Twice
How are you? How are you feeling? How’s things? You alright? Can I help with anything? How was your day? I noticed that you have been X recently, is everything alright?
Ask twice.
In fact, never stop asking.
Be their advocate
All the guys I speak with have eventually, talked to their partner or loved ones.
It is highly likely that if they are talking to you now. They have already hit crisis point.
A recurring theme when I talk to men is that they are either too ashamed to seek professional help or don’t know where or what help is out there.
Women for various reasons, do.
Make the doctor appointment, go with them, fight for the support they need.

5. Know it is not your job to fix them.

If you are anything like me, this is the hardest lesson you will ever have to learn.

But there is no one thing that will solve a mental health problem.

It takes time.

And the hard work, the really hard work, of recovering, healing and growing, can only ever come from them.

Instead, your job is to be the one who is standing there on the other side of the bridge with open arms, cheering them on, believing in them, and calling them home.

6. Look after yourself

Part of the Happylands research is collecting stories from female perspective of men’s mental health has shaped them.

I always ask the question, ‘what advice would you give to others in a similar situation?’

Every single woman says, look after yourself.

There was one particular answer that stood out the most to me;

“Support them in the best way you know and understand, but remember to care for yourself. Had I taken a step back sooner and not got wrapped up by it all I think I could have been more effective, but I lost sight of myself in it all.”

I lost sight of myself in it all…

Mental illness has many victims.

It is not selfish to take care of yourself.

It is not selfish to say, what is happening is totally and wholly shit.

It is not selfish to talk to someone professional about the impact it is having/having on you.

Be kind. Be gentle. Be patient. For You and for Him.

________________________

Here are some great organisations who can help if you’re worried about a man in your life;

CALM

Samaritains

Men’s Mental Health Forum

Young Minds UK

Alright Mate? Grassroots Suicide Prevention

If you would like to support Carrie’s work researching men’s mental health then please do consider becoming a Patron from as little as 77p per month

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BOYS DON’T CRY. A LOOK AT MALE MENTAL HEALTH

Big boys don’t cry.

Man up.

Hush. Don’t be silly. Get up. You’re fine. When a baby boy falls over and cries.

Boys will be boys.

Boys don’t like to read.

He just can’t sit still.

He’s a mummy’s boy.

Go on lad. Any hole is a goal.

He is such a typical boy.

It’s just banter.

Culture. Hollywood. Schools. Communities. Social media. Books. Toys.

Subtle, everyday little things are what create a man.

Back in the day it used to be thought that masculinity was simply being biologically male.

That male behaviours like, being the hunter-gatherer or the breadwinner, territorial and sexually promiscuous were all biologically driven.

Testosterone rules the day. Right?

Not quite.

That is an outdated science and an old-school way of thinking that still permeates society today.

Men are not hardwired to be a viking or a caveman.

They are made.

Men. Women. Gender roles. Is a social construct.

There are lots of different types of masculinity but it is universally agreed that there is always one type of masculinity that is honoured above all others.

The Top Dog. The Tony Soprano. The Godfather.

The Traditional Male.

So when we hear people discuss ‘traditional masculinity’ or ‘toxic masculinity’ this is what they are talking about.

It is not an attack on traditional values.

It is not saying ALL masculinity is toxic.

And it is thought that boys’ socialisation toward this concept of masculinity is detrimental to their emotional development, how they form relationships and overall, psychological health.

It puts them in the “Man Box”

Or I prefer to call it the Man Cage.

A cage we are all trapped in.

For example, emotional stoicism is regarded as a defining feature of masculinity.

And as a result it is common for boys to be emotionally miseducated through their gender socialisation by being told explicitly and implicitly, to hide their vulnerability and emotion.

Know a man who just won’t tell you what is wrong? Know a man who bottles things up until it explodes? Know a man who can’t ask for help?

Know a man?

Over 35 years worth of studies on Gender Role Conflict showed correlations with low self-esteem, anxiety and depression.

If you think about it, it makes total sense.

When you are trying so hard to conform to what is expected of you from your friends, from your family, and from society as a whole, but for various reasons you are just not meeting those exceptions…

Well then, damn, that is a mighty big cliff to fall from.

It is little surprise then, that suicide is the most common cause of death for men aged 20-49 years in England and Wales.

Suicide has risen to the point that if you are a man younger than 50 years old, you are more likely to die by suicide than cancer, road accidents or heart disease.

Men are nearly three times more likely than women to become alcohol dependent and are more likely to use, and die from, illegal drugs.

95% of the prison population is male, with 72% of male prisoners suffering from two or more mental disorders.

35% of men said they feel lonely at least once a week.

These statistics not only reveal serious issues surrounding men’s mental health, but male emotional and psychological distress emerge in ways that do not fit comfortably within conventional approaches to diagnosis.

So how do we support our sons, partners, fathers, brothers and other men in our lives?

Lets first focus on our young boys.

1. Check in with our own internalised traditional masculine ideology

As women we have also been socially conditioned to believe and expect boys and men to behave in a certain way. Just check in with yourself. Have a little explore about what you believe and ask yourself;

How does this effect they way I treat the men in my life and the way I let them treat me?

Never stop asking yourself this question.

Then make the necessary tweaks to the toys, books, clothes you buy, to the way you speak to them, to the way you listen to them, and to the way you let them treat you.

If you’re looking for books that smash gender stereotypes for both girls and boys I put a list together here!

2. Reinforce behaviours that shatter stereotypes

For example, a father may tell a son in tears, “sometimes I feel like crying, too.”

Encourage co-ed play dates.

Question all generalisations.

For instance, when the girls tell the boys, ‘Pretend you’re the dad, and it’s time for you to come home from work. I’m the mum, and I’m taking care of the baby,’ ask the kids, “Do you know mummy’s can go out to work each day and Daddy’s can care for the babies too?”

3. Focus on raising a good huMAN.

Of course, it is wonderful to teach boys to respect women. Of course.

But this can also reinforce stereotypical gender roles.

Instead, teach boys to respect ALL people.

Not someone’s wife, someone’s daughter, or someone’s sister.

Just someone.

Kindness, empathy, compassion, tolerance, acceptance, respect and equality is simply being a good huMAN.

4. Listen and Validate

Emotions don’t need fixing; they need to be processed by the person feeling them.

This is a hard lesson to learn but it is important to know all behaviour is a form of communication.

When boys are crying, upset, sad, frustrated or angry, they are, sometimes in the most unloving way, trying to tell you something.

They are asking for emotional support.

If boys are not able to express themselves fully then ignoring and suppressing feelings will eventually become an alternative way of coping.

And worst of all — a lack empathy and understanding of emotions in others.

Help them identify and process the feeling with something like, “I know, the other kids didn’t want to play with you and it hurts. You’re sad. You’re really, really sad right now.”

Then sit and be with them.

And what about the adult men in our lives? How can we support them?

5. All of the above. Then…

6. Look out for different behaviour

Men are less likely to seek professional help.

And as those statistics earlier showed men don’t do anything conventional.

Look out for unusual behaviour. Are they drinking more? Struggling to sleep? Sleeping too much? Fixating on extreme exercise or competitions? Are they withdrawn? Are they excessively over the top? Are they lashing out?