MY HUSBAND HAD AN AFFAIR. NOW WHAT?

EMOTIONAL, LOVE & MARRIAGE

Wow. This anonymous post confronts something I frequently question in myself. What would I do if my partner had an affair? There is no black and white answer, you can only know how you’d react when faced with the situation, as this author is testament to. As clear from the tone of the piece she is ‘right in there’, trying to navigate a horrendous situation.

  • We had been happily married. I mean we argued but we were ok.

  • I thought we were solid, even with having a child and the pressures of a mortgage etc I felt like we were doing ok

  • I remember being out with friends and drinking and we talked about affairs and I was so convinced he wouldn’t ever do this to me that I said the most likely person would be me!

  • I first met her at their office Christmas party when I was heavily pregnant.

  • She didn’t speak to me and even when introduced she was ‘off’ but very flirty with my husband and I knew something wasn’t right

  • He shrugged it off and said she was flirty with everyone and they were just friends

  • Christmas eve I found their text messages and realised they had kissed – nothing more. I knew this because they talked about the fact they couldn’t because he was married.

  • I confronted him and text her to tell her that I knew and she was welcome to him

  • He promised never to contact her again and we decided to deal with it properly after I gave birth (only weeks later)

  • I found they had been contacting again a few months after I had the baby and called her to confront her again

  • She promised they were just friends and she wasn’t like that at all and was helping him with his depression

  • My gut knew different

  • Two weeks later I drove past her house one day and saw his car. I knocked on the door

  • Her flat mate answered and I just walked in and headed upstairs where I found them in bed.

  • I had her address because I found an email receipt of flowers he had sent her the week of my birthday. I thought they were for me. That’s what you get thinking your being clever.

  • They were clothed and just perched on the bed – she was crying

  • He told me it wasn’t what it looked like and he was supporting her through ‘something’ and was trying to be there as a friend

  • She didn’t speak at all and just laid curled in a ball crying

  • I left the house and told him not to come home

  • He came home the next day to collect his things but he came with promises

  • He promised again never to speak to her and moved to a different office in the same place so he wouldn’t have to see her anymore.

  • She came back up 5 months later when I had a feeling that something wasn’t right and he wasn’t where he said he was

  • I rang her again and asked her what was happening

  • She invited me round for a coffee and said she wanted to clear the air because I had got this whole thing wrong

  • 2 days later I went to her house (refused the coffee) and she proceeded to tell me that I was paranoid and they were friends only.

  • She said they made a mistake after the Christmas party and kissed when they were very drunk but this was it

  • They were just friends and that I should either try to work it out or leave if I can’t trust him

  • 2 days later she text me to say she had attempted suicide the night before by way of overdose and didn’t know who else to reach out to

  • I supported her through it and guided her to the right place to get help and checked in on her a couple of days later to make sure she was ok

  • She thanked me and said I was kind and she was glad I was so supportive.

  • He sweore blind he would never see her again and he wanted to make things work. I wanted to believe him, I loved him and we have a family – things were looking up I wanted to have that opportunity to really have the life I wanted.

  • Fast forward 4 months and she calls me out of the blue after no contact on valentines day

  • She calls to say he ended it with her last year and hadn’t seen him since.

  • They bumped into each other and she tried to rekindle but had been rejected.

  • She said him ending the relationship was what drove her to the suicide attempt when she contacted me and I supported her.

  • She told me that he had said to her that he loved me and had made a mistake and he didn’t want to hear from her again because he was trying to put things right and went to a professional for help with his mental health and not her.

  • She told me he didn’t mean it and proceeded to tell me every sordid detail of their affair.  

  • She told me she had been to my house.

  • She told me they made love on my sofa.

  • She told me that he hated me and that he was only rejecting her because he was mad but he would be back.

  • She told me that they were soul mates and in love.

  • She told me she was pregnant.

  • She told me that she had miscarried.

  • She told me that they had been trying for a baby and it was my fault that she miscarried because I had called her to question her about my husband and this caused her stress.

  • I asked her not to contact me again and that should she contact me again I would call the police.

  • She started a blog. She wrote details of their affair online and shared it with their colleagues and with our friends. She told everyone I was horrible to her.

  • She told everyone that she had no idea he was married and I was awful to her.

  • I have had to read comments on support and people telling her how sorry they are and how awful it must be for her.

  • I have to see people supporting her story, sharing her story and know that the details she has written about me are completely untrue and I do nothing.

  • My husband and I are in therapy. We attend together and then each on our own too.

  • She has since been diagnosed with personality disorder and continues to blog about their affair. She openly tells people who know them what happened and has convinced everyone I am a horrible person and I keep getting questioned and asked about it constantly.

  • I don’t even know who I am anymore. I am so full of rage and anger. I did NOTHING wrong.

  • She tried to befriend me and I helped her, I tried to be supportive and kind to her, made sure she was ok and the whole time she was sleeping with my husband.

  • I knew in my gut something wasn’t right but what do you do when two people are telling you your paranoid and you crazy? They told me it was all in my head.

  • I question who even am I and how could he do this to me? What did I possibly do this bad for him to do this?

  • I question if I really have lost my mind.  

  • I worry about the effects this has had on my children and the atmosphere our home has been in the last 18 months.

  • I have not sat on my sofa or had any prolonged time in my living room since she called me.  

  • Just when I didn’t think things could get any worse the police showed up at my door and told me that she had made a complaint about me and that she had told them I had harassed her.

  • She told them that I had abused her over the last year, that I had stalked her and had been contacting her from a number I had never seen before nor do I own.

  • She had calculated the whole thing.

  • She even went as far as blogging about the police visit, mocking me openly and saying how glad she was she has had all the victim support for the trauma she has endured because of me.

  • This is the person who invited me round for a cup of tea, who constantly asked me to go for drinks, who said in various messages she wanted to be my friend all whilst having an affair with my husband but I am the one who is the suspect?

  • The police wont help me, whilst they have completed cleared my name of all accounts because there is no evidence and I have been able to prove my innocence, they cant do anything until she actually ‘does something’

  • I have spend a fortune getting cameras in my house.

  • My hair is falling out again and i don’t think there really are words for the levels of anxiety I am dealing with.

  • I have already spent over £500 on solicitor fees and have been quoted up to £3000 at the ‘chance’ of getting an injunction.

  • My husband is trying to help and be as supportive as possible but the feelings of love I thought I still had is now replaced by pure despair and hurt that he ever brought this to my door.

  • I don’t know what my next move is and I don’t know where I go from here.

  • My husbands mistress has ruined my life but everyone thinks she’s the victim.

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21 Comments

  • Reply Lorna Blakemore April 22, 2019 at 9:03 am

    You poor thing. This is horrific, if I were you I’d leave the house with the kids and go and stay with some friends/family. This is not worth your mental health. Might be better to lose everything financially and start again than stay with a man like that. Good luck – we women are strong.

  • Reply Lorraine April 22, 2019 at 2:38 pm

    This is appalling. As I understand it people with personality disorder are extremely difficult to treat, how dreadful you have been victimised by this woman.

  • Reply Alison April 23, 2019 at 6:21 pm

    Reading this I couldn’t actually believe the words. You have been through so much because of your partner and this woman, and I am utterly disgusted at how you have been treated. I really hope you come through this soon, you are a strong, kind woman xx

  • Reply Yvonne Cole April 23, 2019 at 6:41 pm

    How truly awful. My heart really goes out to you and your husband actually. People make mistakes and poor judgement isn’t always worth throwing a relationship away that you can save, love is hard graft. I wish you happiness in the future and hope you find peace. I would completely block her and remove friends that link you so you can’t actually see fanatical stories she posts. You do not need to read it. That’s what she wants by the sound of it. Sever all ties if possible. Social media is toxic and friend will still be friends even if your not “online pals”. And if possible I’d consider a fresh start in a new home, if your able to make it through all this together. Thank you for sharing. Hang in there xxx

  • Reply AK April 23, 2019 at 6:43 pm

    I’m hurting for you. I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel for you.

  • Reply Meg April 23, 2019 at 6:52 pm

    Oh my god. I cannot believe what I am reading. I want to say – shout, in fact, – DIG DEEP! GET RID OF HIM! But, ultimately, those pieces of the puzzle that are not published are yours and yours alone. You will do what is right for you and your children. Hold your head high and don’t give her (or him) the satisfaction. Be strong because you owe it to yourself.

  • Reply Anon. April 23, 2019 at 6:52 pm

    When I was A kid, my Dad did the same thing. He had an affair with a woman he worked with and she turned out to be an absolute nightmare. She would come to our house at night to tell my Mum that he didn’t love her anymore. I was 10 years old and I didn’t really know what it all meant but I knew that Dad had done something seemingly unforgivable. This year, they celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary and whilst they have had their ups and downs and some turbulent times, they are happier than ever living their best lives as Grandparents. It must have been unbelievably hard for my Mum to forgive him and even if you can forgive, it’s harder to forget. But I’m glad they worked through their problems and made it out the other side. His mistress tried everything she could to turn a mistake in to a life altering scenario for my brother and I, and my Mum and for what? Selfishness is the only reason I can fathom.
    Keep your chin up, you’re better than her and you can do this. You CAN find your way through this and you WILL. Either together, or on your own, you will find happiness again because tinTe strong. X

  • Reply Elly April 23, 2019 at 7:47 pm

    Shut out as much of the outside ‘noise’ as you can and use what energy you have on the positive things. Your children, your close friends.
    I’ve been in a version of this and it completely pulls the rug from under you. Your future landscape is unknown and it’s utterly confidence destroying BUT we have an incredible capacity for surging forward and I hope that given time and support it gets clearer and easier for you x

  • Reply Jurgita April 23, 2019 at 7:53 pm

    I feel so sorry for you! If I could I would give you a hug! It feels like people doubting you are not really your friends. Cut them away from your life! And your husband? …Trust is very fragile thing. I just want to say that you are true and good person who was trying to help someone out and that someone abused it. I am sending you a hug! You are strong, you are loved and you are worthy!!! Xxx

  • Reply cate April 23, 2019 at 8:19 pm

    I hope your read these comments and take solace in the huge amount of virtual support you have from the sisterhood. What you have gone through is unbelievably awful and to have done it whilst bringing up a young family is even more astounding. You’re strength is humbling. xxxxx

  • Reply Victoria April 23, 2019 at 8:21 pm

    You sound lovely. He doesn’t deserve any sympathy but I do feel sorry for him, she is clearly obscenely manipulative and he just fell for it as a drunken mistake and she escalated it to this extreme. If you reframe the way you think about him, as vulnerable, you may be able to find forgiveness and move on happily, making a fresh start and nice times as a family. You have every right to be livid. Direct it all at her and then lock it away and throw it in the bin x

  • Reply L April 23, 2019 at 10:13 pm

    If you let me have details of her blog I will put her straight! Bitch deserves a taste of her own medicine

  • Reply Eloise April 24, 2019 at 7:05 pm

    Ultimately you have a very big decision to make. You are so brave and strong. Know that trust can be rebuilt. Your husband is a dick but he might just be being a dick for a small point in time which you may be able to get over. In years time you may sit there with him and have forgiven him but not forgotten or you may have a new relationship. Only time will tell.

    I absolutely believe all these comments will life you up and the comment from L really made me LOL. Xx

  • Reply The Author April 25, 2019 at 2:31 pm

    Hi all, this message is from the Author. I cannot explain how much these comments have lifted me, have made me feel less alone and you all got a pretty special mention in therapy this week.
    Knowing there are women out there being so kind and loving – honestly this has been like a massive warm virtual hug when I have needed it the most.
    Thank you a million times over and thank you again.
    It may just be a comment on a blog but this blog post is my reality and reading the comments has made that reality more bearable.
    Thank you for all being absolute Queens.
    All the love
    X

  • Reply Gemma April 28, 2019 at 6:45 am

    Gosh I can really relate to your story, the betrayal is possibly the worst feeling you can have, it leaves you feeling completely alone and it’s a constant feeling in the pit of your stomach that doesn’t leave you. My now ex was a narcissistic sociopath with a side of sex addiction. I actually spent a year working in his old place of work along side 4 women who he had slept with while I was pregnant, that was a fun year. But it was the lies and the constant deceit that makes you question your own reality. Don’t question yourself and know that what you feel in your gut is normally right. Surround yourself with people who love you and read! I read so many books on betrayal, affairs, etc and knowledge is definitely power. It helps you to understand what you’re feeling and when, the anger, the sadness, the productive feeling, they all come and will come in no particular order. But at least you know they are normal. I spent another two years with mine before I knew it was happening again and I felt like I was stronger and more ready to leave him. But I really wished it could have worked out for the kids. But your mental health is ultimately the most important thing. You’ll find inner strength to work through it and my god there will be a light at the end of this very dark tunnel I promise! Be proud of yourself for being who you are. Xx

  • Reply Jennifer April 28, 2019 at 6:46 am

    It shocks and saddens me that some people can come into your life and cause such devastation. Stay strong for your children and the future you will have without this womana. She is not worth your thought or energy. Move away, start again. You owe yourself the opportunity to start again and grow as a couple and a family. Time is so precious. I wish you positivity, success and happiness and I hope you and your husband can become closer and that he appreciates how strong and wonderful you are.

  • Reply Sophie April 28, 2019 at 6:57 am

    I can’t even begin to understand your pain. The injustice of it all, is so cruel. I feel so angry for you. You sound incredibly kind to offer such forgiveness, and your strength is immeasurable ♥️ Sending love and hugs to you, boy, you deserve it! Xx

  • Reply Lucy April 28, 2019 at 7:41 am

    I read this with tears in my eyes shaking my head with disbelief. I understand that your husband made an awful mistake with the wrong person, but you shouldn’t be paying the price. You have immense strength and courage to be facing this in the way you are. Sending you lots of love xxx

  • Reply Anon April 28, 2019 at 9:31 pm

    Shit.
    That is shit.
    My husband has had ‘affairs’ and online relationships and we have been able with counselling to move past it. I hope you can too.

  • Reply Anon May 15, 2019 at 7:38 am

    My heart goes out to you. You did nothing to deserve this anguish you have been going through- if anything, you tried to be as fair as possible to the people who were hurting you. When you are dealing with a sociopath they will deflect everything on to you- they are incapable of taking blame for their actions,. They have to make themselves the victim and make the person they have victimized the villain.

    I have had to go to therapy due to the actions of a jealous woman who tries to destroy my relationship, peace of mind, and my life. My therapist told me “when you have rats, in your house you don’t feed them”. I always wanted to be the helpful one, even when I was getting hurt, but now I don’t feed the rats in my life anymore- a valuable lesson. I hope you can find peace moving forward, and that this woman tired of doing this to you. Take care of yourself- we are all routing for you!

  • Reply Anon May 25, 2019 at 8:10 am

    Thank you for writing this.
    I’m 8 months down the line from finding out about an affair that I suspected for a year. Like you I’m trying to move on, mainly for the kids I guess. It’s hard to lose the respect you had for your partner though. That’s the killer for me, that someone who is meant to have loved you could be so totally duplicitous. I don’t love him again yet. Some days I truly think I hate him. And I’d love to stop thinking about her and comparing myself. It’s a mental battle every minute. You are incredibly strong dealing with her blog. Maybe she’ll realise one day what an utter arsehole she’s been. Maybe he’ll make up for it for the rest of your lives. I kinda think we’ll just go back to how we were and I’ll be full of resentment, which is no way to live. You’re not alone, and hearing your story makes me feel less alone, so thank you x

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