THANKFUL FOR PND

EMOTIONAL, HEALTH, INSPIRING, THOUGHT-PROVOKING

I relate to so much of what that Jennie Frost has written here that it almost makes me heart-hurt. It may sound cliched to say that without the ‘downs’ of life it becomes harder to appreciate the joy of the ‘ups’, but its absolutely true. And this account is a particularly beautifully articulated version of that.

People make decisions everyday based on assessing risks and as human beings we are programmed for self-preservation.
Not one of us would ever look ahead and choose the toughest parts of our lives.
If you had told me in advance of having my girls that I would have post-natal depression, I would absolutely have thought twice about having them.
It has been without doubt, the hardest and longest struggle I have faced to date.
Many things, if we saw them coming, we would avoid if we possibly could.
Some weights would look beyond what we could bear or storms may look like they would wash us away completely.
We would very rarely, if ever, put our hands up and say ‘yep, I’ll take that awful experience’
If you had told me that I would not only have PND but struggle for the best part of 5 years with my mental health, not being able to face the day ahead or crying whenever I was alone then I’d have run a mile.
All that said, as I leave the darkness and feel brighter about life and the depressions lifts, I am beginning to see the things I can be thankful for.
I am beginning to see that although PND stole lots from me, it also maybe gifted me with some things and made me more aware of others.
Now hear me out, if you are in the midst of something terrible, you may feel like you will never see it this way and that’s fine, just keep going one day at a time.
Its ok to not continue to read this, if it feels too jarring. Maybe come back to it at a later date.
This is me almost 7 years after my first baby was born so I have had a lot of time to recover and look back.
With all that said, here are 5 things I am thankful for PND for. I am thankful to know that the world doesn’t end if I stop.
When I was ill, to begin with I was a little manic in my behaviour. I did so many things, went to tons of groups and was out a lot of the time.
Now I know that this is because I felt like the thoughts were somehow quietened by outside noise.
Perhaps if I pretend everything is ok for long enough, it will be.
Well take it from me, if that’s where you are at the moment, I hate to tell you but it does not work that way.
When I finally couldn’t keep going, I stopped doing as much as I had been and over a long period of time (still a work in progress) I learnt to pace myself.
I am learning to say no and not be as worried about people’s reaction. This is an ongoing lesson.
I can say no, not because I don’t care but because I know I am not indispensable.
.I’m thankful to no longer be scared of pain I can’t fix.
I’m a natural helper. It is a key value of mine so I love to fix or help wherever I can.
Mental health, grief and so many other human experiences are not a quick fix.
One of the most enduring memories which is heartbreaking and also so precious is this.
I remember someone very close to me coming one day, sitting with me and listening to me voice my deepest feelings.
The hardest one to say out loud was ‘there are days I wish I hadn’t had them because this pain is too much for me’.
I didn’t want to say this, I didn’t want to think it either but it was happening and causing me so much pain.
Being able to sit with someone who was not afraid (or didn’t show it at least) to hear what I needed to say was so releasing.
I had such a good cry that day, it didn’t fix anything or remove my pain entirely but it was a moment that is precious in a really strange way.
I was listened to and loved even when I was saying something that I felt was the most terrible thing I could say
3. I’m thankful for my faith.
Faith has been an integral part of my recovery.
It hasn’t meant there weren’t times of desperation or that I didn’t need medication or that I was miraculously healed.
It has meant however that I have been able to lean on something so much greater than myself.
It has helped me to know I am never alone and ultimately He will give me ‘beauty for these ashes’.
I wasn’t always able to pray or sing the songs we sing in church and I have been angry at God, impatient with Him, I have cried so many tears and also thanked Him for all He has done in this time.
He has loved me through this and provided incredible people to walk it with me too.
In the depths of darkness, there was a hope. A hope it wouldn’t always be like this and an assurance that better days were to come.
4. I’m thankful for my tribe, old and new.
This feels like the most obvious one but I am so grateful for friends and family who have supported me and my family during this time
The family who have taken my girls out for fun when I couldn’t and loved us so much.
The friends who left kind things on my doorstep, sent texts or checked in and honestly wanted to hear the answer.
My lovely husband who has been a rock even in the early days when neither of us understood what had happened to me.
I’m also grateful for the mums I’ve met through peer support, the group I attended and the group I now run.
I have found new friendships through this that I never would have had and I’m super thankful for that too.
Never underestimate the power of listening. You don’t need to and can’t fix your friend and sometimes it can be overwhelming when someone is poorly or grieving but just be there.
I promise you, it makes more difference than you may ever know.
5. I’m thankful to know that even if I can’t fulfill the roles I normally do, I am of worth.
When you can’t fulfill the roles you once could whether that is your job role, your role as a partner or mum or good friend, it rocks your sense of who you are.
I felt useless and like I was letting everyone down.
Depression told me that everyone would be better off without me.
Anxiety told me that I would never be a good enough mum.
At times, it felt like a war had broken out inside my head and I was trying to keep the peace with no weaponry.
If you are feeling like this let me tell you that no matter where you are at, you are of value and so loved.
Do not let your mind tell you any different just because you can’t ‘do’ or ‘be’ what you thought you would be.
We are not the sum of what we achieve.
Even though now, I’m back to being my busy self in some ways, I have fresh perspective.
If my mental health takes a dip, which from time to time it does, I would not hesitate to drop things and take a break, because it does not define me in the way it did.
I guess I am also grateful that I didn’t know this would be my experience of becoming a mum because I may have been too fearful to have my little ones.
If I had avoided this pain by not having my girls, I would have missed out on all the joy they have brought alongside the challenges.
I would have missed out on all I have written about.
I may have been happy in a different way but I cannot imagine life without my girls and neither can I imagine a life where I didn’t understand the pain of mental health.
I hate that PND exists. I hate that it overshadows the experience of becoming a mum for so many.
I hate that mental health struggles are so prevalent and so painful but perhaps if we accept them and listen to those struggling more, we can help them.
We can love them, support them and one day they will come through a storm they’d have thought would wash them away.
If you are reading this thinking you could never look back and be at all thankful, that’s ok
Trust me when I say I did not say this in the dark days.
Right in the middle, I said this isn’t fair. I said I can’t keep going. I said I am done with living.
If you are in the middle right now, please talk to someone you know if you can or if you want to be anonymous call The Samaritans (116 123), they are amazing at listening.
I hope one day, you are able to look back on whatever you are going through now and reflect on what it gave you and not just what it stole.

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THANKFUL FOR PND

People make decisions everyday based on assessing risks and as human beings we are programmed for self-preservation.

Not one of us would ever look ahead and choose the toughest parts of our lives.

If you had told me in advance of having my girls that I would have post-natal depression, I would absolutely have thought twice about having them.

It has been without doubt, the hardest and longest struggle I have faced to date.

Many things, if we saw them coming, we would avoid if we possibly could.

Some weights would look beyond what we could bear or storms may look like they would wash us away completely.

We would very rarely, if ever, put our hands up and say ‘yep, I’ll take that awful experience’

If you had told me that I would not only have PND but struggle for the best part of 5 years with my mental health, not being able to face the day ahead or crying whenever I was alone then I’d have run a mile.

All that said, as I leave the darkness and feel brighter about life and the depressions lifts, I am beginning to see the things I can be thankful for.

I am beginning to see that although PND stole lots from me, it also maybe gifted me with some things and made me more aware of others.

Now hear me out, if you are in the midst of something terrible, you may feel like you will never see it this way and that’s fine, just keep going one day at a time.

Its ok to not continue to read this, if it feels too jarring. Maybe come back to it at a later date.

This is me almost 7 years after my first baby was born so I have had a lot of time to recover and look back.

With all that said, here are 5 things I am thankful for PND for. I am thankful to know that the world doesn’t end if I stop.

When I was ill, to begin with I was a little manic in my behaviour. I did so many things, went to tons of groups and was out a lot of the time.

Now I know that this is because I felt like the thoughts were somehow quietened by outside noise.

Perhaps if I pretend everything is ok for long enough, it will be.

Well take it from me, if that’s where you are at the moment, I hate to tell you but it does not work that way.

When I finally couldn’t keep going, I stopped doing as much as I had been and over a long period of time (still a work in progress) I learnt to pace myself.

I am learning to say no and not be as worried about people’s reaction. This is an ongoing lesson.

I can say no, not because I don’t care but because I know I am not indispensable.

.I’m thankful to no longer be scared of pain I can’t fix.

I’m a natural helper. It is a key value of mine so I love to fix or help wherever I can.

Mental health, grief and so many other human experiences are not a quick fix.

One of the most enduring memories which is heartbreaking and also so precious is this.

I remember someone very close to me coming one day, sitting with me and listening to me voice my deepest feelings.

The hardest one to say out loud was ‘there are days I wish I hadn’t had them because this pain is too much for me’.

I didn’t want to say this, I didn’t want to think it either but it was happening and causing me so much pain.

Being able to sit with someone who was not afraid (or didn’t show it at least) to hear what I needed to say was so releasing.

I had such a good cry that day, it didn’t fix anything or remove my pain entirely but it was a moment that is precious in a really strange way.

I was listened to and loved even when I was saying something that I felt was the most terrible thing I could say

3. I’m thankful for my faith.

Faith has been an integral part of my recovery.

It hasn’t meant there weren’t times of desperation or that I didn’t need medication or that I was miraculously healed.

It has meant however that I have been able to lean on something so much greater than myself.

It has helped me to know I am never alone and ultimately He will give me ‘beauty for these ashes’.

I wasn’t always able to pray or sing the songs we sing in church and I have been angry at God, impatient with Him, I have cried so many tears and also thanked Him for all He has done in this time.

He has loved me through this and provided incredible people to walk it with me too.

In the depths of darkness, there was a hope. A hope it wouldn’t always be like this and an assurance that better days were to come.

4. I’m thankful for my tribe, old and new.

This feels like the most obvious one but I am so grateful for friends and family who have supported me and my family during this time

The family who have taken my girls out for fun when I couldn’t and loved us so much.

The friends who left kind things on my doorstep, sent texts or checked in and honestly wanted to hear the answer.

My lovely husband who has been a rock even in the early days when neither of us understood what had happened to me.

I’m also grateful for the mums I’ve met through peer support, the group I attended and the group I now run.

I have found new friendships through this that I never would have had and I’m super thankful for that too.

Never underestimate the power of listening. You don’t need to and can’t fix your friend and sometimes it can be overwhelming when someone is poorly or grieving but just be there.

I promise you, it makes more difference than you may ever know.

5. I’m thankful to know that even if I can’t fulfill the roles I normally do, I am of worth.

When you can’t fulfill the roles you once could whether that is your job role, your role as a partner or mum or good friend, it rocks your sense of who you are.

I felt useless and like I was letting everyone down.

Depression told me that everyone would be better off without me.

Anxiety told me that I would never be a good enough mum.

At times, it felt like a war had broken out inside my head and I was trying to keep the peace with no weaponry.

If you are feeling like this let me tell you that no matter where you are at, you are of value and so loved.

Do not let your mind tell you any different just because you can’t ‘do’ or ‘be’ what you thought you would be.

We are not the sum of what we achieve.

Even though now, I’m back to being my busy self in some ways, I have fresh perspective.

If my mental health takes a dip, which from time to time it does, I would not hesitate to drop things and take a break, because it does not define me in the way it did.

I guess I am also grateful that I didn’t know this would be my experience of becoming a mum because I may have been too fearful to have my little ones.

If I had avoided this pain by not having my girls, I would have missed out on all the joy they have brought alongside the challenges.

I would have missed out on all I have written about.

I may have been happy in a different way but I cannot imagine life without my girls and neither can I imagine a life where I didn’t understand the pain of mental health.

I hate that PND exists. I hate that it overshadows the experience of becoming a mum for so many.

I hate that mental health struggles are so prevalent and so painful but perhaps if we accept them and listen to those struggling more, we can help them.

We can love them, support them and one day they will come through a storm they’d have thought would wash them away.

If you are reading this thinking you could never look back and be at all thankful, that’s ok

Trust me when I say I did not say this in the dark days.

Right in the middle, I said this isn’t fair. I said I can’t keep going. I said I am done with living.

If you are in the middle right now, please talk to someone you know if you can or if you want to be anonymous call The Samaritans (116 123), they are amazing at listening.

I hope one day, you are able to look back on whatever you are going through now and reflect on what it gave you and not just what it stole.

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