MY PARTNER, CANNABIS & ME

Regular readers will know that most often these lists are reflective: written as someone comes to terms with an aspect of their life. This one is different, the author (who wishes to remain anonymous) is in the thick of it, her partner’s use of cannabis is very much a ‘now’.

• I didn’t know my partner had a drug problem when we met, he covered it up well – mostly with alcohol. It’s common for one addiction to go hand in hand with another.

• It took me a long time to realise the extent of the problem even when it was right in front of me.

• When I finally joined the dots it was both liberating and destructive.

• I started to research about cannabis and it’s affects, and I felt relief in a way.  I was relieved because I realised that this wasn’t my fault and addicts can be very manipulative people.

• Lots of people say ‘oh, it’s only weed!’ but I don’t believe there is any hierarchy when it comes to addiction, if it’s affecting you and those around you then it’s a problem.

• To be clear I’m not talking about a recreational habit, I’m talking about smoking it every day, from first thing in the morning before work and then 3-4 joints each evening. More at weekends.

• I made excuses for his habit in the same way that he and his family did and continue to do so.

• “He hasn’t got a problem because he goes to work, he’s hardworking, he’s a great Dad to his kids, he’s accomplishing ‘life.’  Surely if he had a drug problem he’d be a lazy idiot sitting at home wasting his life away.”

•  That’s where I was wrong, there are functioning addicts just as there are functioning alcoholics out there – and they are everywhere, people hide it well.

• But I know what goes on behind the scenes and that’s someone who can’t go a day without smoking, goes to work but only just gets through the day, and can’t really handle the regular strains of adult life.

• At first I thought I did think I was at fault, because addicts are very good at making you feel that it’s you with the problem, not them. They come up with excuse after excuse, sometimes they sound so convincing you start to believe them and question everything that you believe and know to be true.  Eventually you end up doubting your sanity so much that you feel like you’re going crazy.

• The worst kind of people are the ones who say, ‘but you always knew about it, didn’t you?’ Well, yes, I did know about it after a few months of knowing him but even then I didn’t know the true extent of it – that was to come further down the line when moved in together and I was already pregnant with our daughter.

• Call me naive or maybe just plain stupid, but I believed what he told me.

• He ‘enjoyed it’, he could ‘stop whenever he wanted’ and ‘it’s not a problem at all.’  I had fallen in love with him, this kind, funny, caring man couldn’t have a drug problem.  So, I believed him, although I knew in the back of my mind his usage wasn’t normal.  But I did believe one day he’d cut down or stop.  I didn’t realise the seriousness of it and I didn’t know as much about addiction as I do now.

• There is research out there that suggests addicts (whether that be drugs or alcohol) stop maturing at the age they start using a substance, and I believe this to be true. At times, my partner approaches life like a 15 year old boy which makes talking about problems and living together very frustrating.

• I don’t trust much of what he says. I have uncovered his lies too many times now, addicts are good at lying but they’re not so good at covering their tracks.  I suppose it’s like any kind of lie, you want to find out the truth so you know you were right, but when you do your world comes crashing down because the lie is destructive.  I used to think he was trying to hurt or upset me, now I know he’s not, it’s just what they do. He believes his lies and is totally powerless over the drug.

• I have been crazy at times, and it wasn’t until someone said to me that I didn’t deserve this and my daughter doesn’t deserve a crazy Mummy that I started to realise I had let it take a hold and I had to sort it out.

• It’s taken us a very long time to be able to have a calm conversation about his drug use, without arguments, tears, accusations and threats to leave (mostly him in anger).

• The rows were like a volcanic eruption, the anger like lava spilling and spitting out of us both with no consideration for the damage it may cause.  Whilst at times things are calmer, the conversations still don’t always go smoothly as I’m so bitter and resentful.

• The challenges it throws up as a parent are the things that have kept me awake at night. What if social services find out and my children get taken away? We have had to come home from family days out early because he needs to have a smoke (he wouldn’t admit that but it’s obvious) we haven’t been able to go on holidays much due to money but I know he’s not keen for obvious reasons – he’d never say that of course.

• We have three children between us, two are his from a previous relationship. I think about the impact it’ll have on them as they grow up.  Inevitably one day they’ll find out.  We look to our parents to set a good example, will they think it’s acceptable to use drugs & alcohol to get through life? But he doesn’t view any of these as problems, in fact he doesn’t understand how it affects me at all which is probably the most frustrating part of it all.

• I usually drive when we go out as he will have smoked before we leave the house – no matter what the time of day – and I won’t allow him to drive with our kids in the car whilst stoned (something he doesn’t see as a problem).

• He tells me he’s doing it less, and he wants me to be proud & supportive. Years of lies and emotional abuse have meant I completely shut down and cannot be proud or happy of his achievements, most of the time I don’t believe him anyway.

• I can only confide in friends & family so much, it’s hard because ‘least said soonest mended.’ Some of them now find it hard to be around him.

• When things were really bad, I confided in a friend who introduced me to a 12 Step programme with the same principles as recovering addicts & alcoholics. I went to one meeting and cried the whole way through.  I could relate to all the people in the room and I felt safe to share how I was feeling.  Life started to change for me at that point.

• To some people, it sounds like a strange cult. Its actually just a group of people supporting and helping each other.

• The 12 Steps have changed my life and I consider myself in recovery from what I have been through with him. Through meeting alcoholics & addicts who are now sober, it gives me a tiny bit of hope that he may change one day.

• He is a good Dad, he provides for us and has fun with the children. He is caring and always makes sure their needs are met.  But that’s not enough for me to live an unhappy life.

• Then there’s the issue of the effect on his body & mind. Since having our daughter, I have tried to be even more health conscious than I was look after myself more because I have a responsibility to her, but he tells me he doesn’t care about what he’s doing to his body.  I suspect he does but if he faces up to that it will mean stopping using.

• Life as a single Mum is one I’ve thought long and hard about. Leaving him is my comfort blanket, a life on my own – albeit with the struggles of co-parenting – is a fantasy I return to again and again.  Often when I wake at 3am, feeling anxious about the future.

• Any addict who believes they are in control is wrong, drugs control people. My partner still thinks he’s in complete control but it couldn’t be further from the truth.  Again, addicts are in denial.

• Some people I’ve met at meetings say they are glad they had/have the addict in their lives because it taught them so much about themselves. How to be truly happy themselves without letting someone else and their actions affect them, which when you are living with an addict takes tremendous strength.

• Some friends who know are horrified, shocked and saddened that I’m in this situation. Why don’t I leave? I don’t know.  Whilst we’re still together I can control the situation to an extent.  I can make sure he doesn’t drive our kids around when he shouldn’t, I can ensure it’s not brought in the house.  Unfortunately, I’m a control freak and being with a man who is so disrespectful of your wishes is hard, especially when it comes to your children.

• I own a successful business, have a fantastic team working with me and I know my life will be amazing with or without him

• But still, I cling on. To the hope that maybe he will change, he will stop.  That I’ll find the person I fell in love with again.  There are days when I desperately wish someone had a magic wand, or a crystal ball and could tell me what to do.

• The cliché ‘love is not enough’ couldn’t be truer for me in this situation. But I have to accept that change comes from within and in this case it’s completely out of my control.