40 & DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD

EMOTIONAL, MENTAL HEALTH, THOUGHT-PROVOKING

If you don’t already follow Jess aka @thehotcrossmum then you should: hilarious memes on her grid (do people even call it that anymore?) plus no holds barred stories. And, most recently, those Stories have documented her diagnosis with ADHD and how much that diagnosis has meant to her.

———————————————————————–

Until 3 weeks ago, I had gone through life with undiagnosed ADHD.
Some symptoms of ADHD are:
Being unable to sit still, especially in calm or quiet surroundings.
Constantly fidgeting.
Being unable to concentrate on tasks.
Excessive physical movement.
Excessive talking.
Being unable to wait your turn.
Acting without thinking.
Interrupting conversations.
I loved school despite lessons and exams being hell.
I could never focus in class and remember teachers getting angry with me, when I was trying my best.
As a result, I taught myself alternative ways to learn which did not involve long hours sat reading.
Instead I would role play, talking out loud to myself as I was the teacher explaining things to another pupil.
I would be mischievous.
I had little or no sense of danger combined with a problem with authority.
I would do outrageous things as they would get me attention.
One example of this would be when I was at primary school, and I tried to drive my mum’s car.
I would go round friends’ houses to play and be so excited and hyper, that I would act out anything that would pop into my mind.
I would throw their parents belongings into their swimming pools, cut all the heads off their flowers, start fires, dismantle their toys…the list goes on.
As a result, friends’ parents would rightfully stop me from going around their houses to play which upset me and made me feel like it was because I was a bad person.
Fortunately, at school I would excel at art.
Despite my struggles, I managed to leave school with 3 x Cs at A-Level, and 9 GCSE’s.
I had a super gifted sister at university studying to be a doctor, yet no one would agree to put their name on my UCAS form as they deemed me not intelligent enough.
As a result, I had to ask a neighbour to be my reference.
When I started my art degree, I was diagnosed with acute dyslexia.
With the assistance of a learning support tutor, I thrived.
I went on to graduate at masters level as a university lecturer in Art, and applied for a PHD.
The older I was becoming, the worse the ADHD would get.
I’d had enough of academia, and went to work as a designer which is where I met my husband and best friend.
Both became integral to helping me reach my full potential – without either of their support, I’m not sure where I would be today.
Then I became a mother. The complete / obvious change in lifestyle meant my old coping mechanisms were out of the window.
I would barely leave the house, scared that someone would throw acid over my daughter.
To manage my emotions, I would clean & exercise manically plus restrict my food.
10 months later I was admitted to the Bethlem Psychiatric hospital with acute Postnatal Depression (PND).
Several NHS psychiatrists said they suspected a personality disorder, but had no one to formally assess me.
Instead they gave me antidepressants / anxiety medications and sent me away.
I not only had undiagnosed ADHD, but PND and psychosis.
I would call the police on my husband as I was convinced he was trying to have my daughter taken away from me, plus of having affairs.
After a very extended maternity leave, I went back to work.
My career means everything to me. After being written off throughout school, the world of work was my chance to change those perceptions.
I did very well at work, however, this was due to the number of extra hours I would put in unknown to everyone else.
Work meetings I would zone out in a bid to stop myself getting up and moving around.
As a result, I appeared distant and not engaged.

At work I perform best in the following ways:
For companies who champion diversity – you won’t get a solution to a problem if you employ 50 people all from the same background.
Meetings must be no more than 10 minutes long – I ask ‘just tell me what needs actioning’ and I stand by that as a great way to draw focus collectively.
In an operational role – don’t put me in front of a client as I’m not a ‘yes person’ and I don’t sugar coat s**t.
Being across a variety of projects – I can’t focus too long, and in great detail on one project.
In a chaotic environment – I love nothing more than creating organisation.
Managing people – I really care about my team, their development and helping support them, as it was something I never had. Aware I sound like David Brent, but they’re like extended family – and should be treated like it.
Shortly after returning to work, my husband’s father was diagnosed with cancer and sadly passed away 4 months later.
During this time, I would work, and support us as the best I could, but I couldn’t cope.
Thankfully I was working with my best friend again, and had the support from an incredible boss and team which I will never forget.
It really did take a village and some, to help keep us as a family going.
I’m so proud of how we protected our daughter during that time.
We never faltered in her care and love her beyond words.
After a few years of working my way through a variety of antidepressants / anxiety meds, nothing was improving.
I still felt manic.
One drug would make me feel so disassociated that I wanted to take my own life.
My coping mechanisms were now out of control.
I would go through a cycle – binging and then restricting.
I felt like I was getting into a lift, and each time I stepped back in, I went further and further down.
Things weren’t going to end well. I was going to die – either accidentally or by suicide.
In the midst of everything, my husband was still fighting my corner, playing diagnosis detective
He got me a private assessment with a leading psychiatrist in personality disorders.
He taught me what it is to really love. It’s not ‘you’re too this/that, you need to change’. It’s acceptance.
During my assessment, I was expecting her to say I had Bi-Polar, but she could see my behaviour as classic ADHD within the first 10 mins – blunt, fidgety and inappropriate.
I had two face-to-face assessments, and two questionnaires (one for me and one for my husband) as well as her looking at my medical history.
I’ve been on ADHD medication for just over a week now, and the impact they’ve had already has been life changing, and not just for myself, but my family too.
I’m due to increase the dose tomorrow.

It’s early days, but so far, I’ve been able to do the follow which I couldn’t do before:
Stand still and hug my husband.
Read to my daughter without losing my place in the book.
Watch TV without needing to get up.
Not obsessively look at my phone.
Have control of my emotions.
Be in the moment.
Rest.
Not felt the need to self-medicate to slow my mind down.
Not binged or restricted food.
Exercise gently.
Finish a task I started, for example, sitting and writing this.
Have the mental space to think about my thoughts, feeling and how I communicate with others .
I feel calmer, happier, and like I have been given my life back.
This last four years has been a journey and I want to thank you all for your kindness and support.
Some might remember I came off Instagram for a while. I didn’t feel I fitted on there. Believe it or not, I’m a very private person.
So why do this?
I heard a saying recently that ‘you’re only as sick as the secrets you keep’ and wanted to take this opportunity to use my diagnosis to help others.
Please know you are not your coping mechanisms.
They are an indicator someone needs help.
I’m so exhausted from being misunderstood and just want to say to those on the fringe, I SEE YOU!
Thank you for listening.

*If anything I’ve written rings true, and you wish to contact my doctor here are their details https://www.psychiatry-uk.com/

Previous Post Next Post

40 & DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD

If you don’t already follow Jess aka @thehotcrossmum then you should: hilarious memes on her grid (do people even call it that anymore?) plus no holds barred stories. And, most recently, those Stories have documented her diagnosis with ADHD and how much that diagnosis has meant to her.

———————————————————————–

Until 3 weeks ago, I had gone through life with undiagnosed ADHD.

Some symptoms of ADHD are:

Being unable to sit still, especially in calm or quiet surroundings.

Constantly fidgeting.

Being unable to concentrate on tasks.

Excessive physical movement.

Excessive talking.

Being unable to wait your turn.

Acting without thinking.

Interrupting conversations.

I loved school despite lessons and exams being hell.

I could never focus in class and remember teachers getting angry with me, when I was trying my best.

As a result, I taught myself alternative ways to learn which did not involve long hours sat reading.

Instead I would role play, talking out loud to myself as I was the teacher explaining things to another pupil.

I would be mischievous.

I had little or no sense of danger combined with a problem with authority.

I would do outrageous things as they would get me attention.

One example of this would be when I was at primary school, and I tried to drive my mum’s car.

I would go round friends’ houses to play and be so excited and hyper, that I would act out anything that would pop into my mind.

I would throw their parents belongings into their swimming pools, cut all the heads off their flowers, start fires, dismantle their toys…the list goes on.

As a result, friends’ parents would rightfully stop me from going around their houses to play which upset me and made me feel like it was because I was a bad person.

Fortunately, at school I would excel at art.

Despite my struggles, I managed to leave school with 3 x Cs at A-Level, and 9 GCSE’s.

I had a super gifted sister at university studying to be a doctor, yet no one would agree to put their name on my UCAS form as they deemed me not intelligent enough.

As a result, I had to ask a neighbour to be my reference.

When I started my art degree, I was diagnosed with acute dyslexia.

With the assistance of a learning support tutor, I thrived.

I went on to graduate at masters level as a university lecturer in Art, and applied for a PHD.

The older I was becoming, the worse the ADHD would get.

I’d had enough of academia, and went to work as a designer which is where I met my husband and best friend.

Both became integral to helping me reach my full potential – without either of their support, I’m not sure where I would be today.

Then I became a mother. The complete / obvious change in lifestyle meant my old coping mechanisms were out of the window.

I would barely leave the house, scared that someone would throw acid over my daughter.

To manage my emotions, I would clean & exercise manically plus restrict my food.

10 months later I was admitted to the Bethlem Psychiatric hospital with acute Postnatal Depression (PND).

Several NHS psychiatrists said they suspected a personality disorder, but had no one to formally assess me.

Instead they gave me antidepressants / anxiety medications and sent me away.

I not only had undiagnosed ADHD, but PND and psychosis.

I would call the police on my husband as I was convinced he was trying to have my daughter taken away from me, plus of having affairs.

After a very extended maternity leave, I went back to work.

My career means everything to me. After being written off throughout school, the world of work was my chance to change those perceptions.

I did very well at work, however, this was due to the number of extra hours I would put in unknown to everyone else.

Work meetings I would zone out in a bid to stop myself getting up and moving around.

As a result, I appeared distant and not engaged.

At work I perform best in the following ways:

For companies who champion diversity – you won’t get a solution to a problem if you employ 50 people all from the same background.

Meetings must be no more than 10 minutes long – I ask ‘just tell me what needs actioning’ and I stand by that as a great way to draw focus collectively.

In an operational role – don’t put me in front of a client as I’m not a ‘yes person’ and I don’t sugar coat s**t.

Being across a variety of projects – I can’t focus too long, and in great detail on one project.

In a chaotic environment – I love nothing more than creating organisation.

Managing people – I really care about my team, their development and helping support them, as it was something I never had. Aware I sound like David Brent, but they’re like extended family – and should be treated like it.

Shortly after returning to work, my husband’s father was diagnosed with cancer and sadly passed away 4 months later.

During this time, I would work, and support us as the best I could, but I couldn’t cope.

Thankfully I was working with my best friend again, and had the support from an incredible boss and team which I will never forget.

It really did take a village and some, to help keep us as a family going.

I’m so proud of how we protected our daughter during that time.

We never faltered in her care and love her beyond words.

After a few years of working my way through a variety of antidepressants / anxiety meds, nothing was improving.

I still felt manic.

One drug would make me feel so disassociated that I wanted to take my own life.

My coping mechanisms were now out of control.

I would go through a cycle – binging and then restricting.

I felt like I was getting into a lift, and each time I stepped back in, I went further and further down.

Things weren’t going to end well. I was going to die – either accidentally or by suicide.

In the midst of everything, my husband was still fighting my corner, playing diagnosis detective

He got me a private assessment with a leading psychiatrist in personality disorders.

He taught me what it is to really love. It’s not ‘you’re too this/that, you need to change’. It’s acceptance.

During my assessment, I was expecting her to say I had Bi-Polar, but she could see my behaviour as classic ADHD within the first 10 mins – blunt, fidgety and inappropriate.

I had two face-to-face assessments, and two questionnaires (one for me and one for my husband) as well as her looking at my medical history.

I’ve been on ADHD medication for just over a week now, and the impact they’ve had already has been life changing, and not just for myself, but my family too.

I’m due to increase the dose tomorrow.

It’s early days, but so far, I’ve been able to do the follow which I couldn’t do before:

Stand still and hug my husband.

Read to my daughter without losing my place in the book.

Watch TV without needing to get up.

Not obsessively look at my phone.

Have control of my emotions.