If you don’t already follow Jess aka @thehotcrossmama then you should: hilarious memes on her grid (do people even call it that any more) plus not hole-barred stories. And most recently those Stories have documented her diagnosis with ADHD and how much that diagnosis has meant to her:
-
Until 3 weeks ago, I had gone through life with undiagnosed ADHD.
-
Some symptoms of ADHD are:
-
being unable to sit still, especially in calm or quiet surroundings
-
constantly fidgeting
-
being unable to concentrate on tasks.
-
excessive physical movement
-
excessive talking
-
being unable to wait your turn
-
acting without thinking
-
interrupting conversations
-
I loved school despite lessons and exams being hell
-
I could never focus in class and remember teachers getting angry with me, when I was trying my best
-
As a result, I taught myself alternative ways to learn which did not involve long hours sat reading
-
Instead I would role play, talking out loud to myself as I was the teacher explaining things to another pupil
-
I would be mischievous
-
I had little or no sense of danger combined with a problem with authority
-
I would do outrageous things as they would get me attention
-
One example of this would be when I was at primary school, and I tried to drive my mum’s car
-
I would go round friends’ houses to play and be so excited and hyper, that I would act out anything that would pop into my mind
-
I would throw their parents belongings into their swimming pools, cut all the heads off their flowers, start fires, dismantle their toys…the list goes on
-
As a result, friends’ parents would rightfully stop me from going around their houses to play which upset me and made me feel like it was because I was a bad person
-
Fortunately, at school I would excel at art.
-
Despite my struggles, I managed to leave school with 3 x C’s at A-Level, and 9 GCSE’s
-
I had a super gifted sister at university studying to be a doctor, yet no one would agree to put their name on my UCAS form as they deemed me not intelligent enough
-
As a result, I had to ask a neighbour to be my reference
-
When I started my art degree, I was diagnosed with acute dyslexia
-
With the assistance of a learning support tutor, I thrived
-
I went on to graduate at masters level as a university lecturer in Art, and applied for a PHD
-
The older I was becoming, the worse the ADHD would get.
-
I’d had enough of academia, and went to work as a designer which is where I met my husband and best friend
-
Both became integral to helping me reach my full potential – without either of their support, I’m not sure where I would be today
-
Then I became a mother. The complete / obvious change in lifestyle meant my old coping mechanisms were out of the window
-
I would barely leave the house, scared that someone would throw acid over my daughter
-
To manage my emotions, I would clean & exercise manically plus restrict my food
-
10 months later I was admitted to the Bethlem Psychiatric hospital with acute Postnatal Depression (PND)
-
Several NHS psychiatrists said they suspected a personality disorder, but had no one to formally assess me.
-
Instead they gave me antidepressants / anxiety medications and sent me away
-
I not only had undiagnosed ADHD, but PND and psychosis
-
I would call the police on my husband as I was convinced he was trying to have my daughter taken away from me, plus of having affairs
-
After a very extended maternity leave, I went back to work.
-
My career means everything to me. After being written off throughout school, the world of work was my chance to change those perceptions
-
I did very well at work, however, this was due to the number of extra hours I would put in unknown to everyone else
-
Work meetings I would zone out in a bid to stop myself getting up and moving around
-
As a result, I appeared distant and not engaged
-
At work I perform best in the following ways:
-
For companies who champion diversity – you won’t get a solution to a problem if you employ 50 people all from the same background
-
Meetings must be no more than 10 minutes long – I ask ‘just tell me what needs actioning’ and I stand by that as a great way to draw focus collectively
-
In an operational role – don’t put me in front of a client as I’m not a ‘yes person’ and I don’t sugar coat s**t
-
Being across a variety of projects – I can’t focus too long, and in great detail on one project
-
In a chaotic environment – I love nothing more than creating organisation
-
Managing people – I really care about my team, their development and helping support them, as it was something I never had. Aware I sound like David Brent, but they’re like extended family – and should be treated like it
-
Shortly after returning to work, my husband’s father was diagnosed with cancer and sadly passed away 4 months later
-
During this time, I would work, and support us as the best I could, but I couldn’t cope
-
Thankfully I was working with my best friend again, and had the support from an incredible boss and team which I will never forget
-
It really did take a village and some, to help keep us as a family going
-
I’m so proud of how we protected our daughter during that time
-
We never faltered in her care and love her beyond words
-
After a few years of working my way through a variety of antidepressants / anxiety meds, nothing was improving
-
I still felt manic
-
One drug would make me feel so disassociated that I wanted to take my own life
-
My coping mechanisms were now out of control
-
I would go through a cycle – binging and then restricting
-
I felt like I was getting into a lift, and each time I stepped back in, I went further and further down
-
Things weren’t going to end well. I was going to die – either accidentally or by suicide
-
In the midst of everything, my husband was still fighting my corner, playing diagnosis detective
-
He got me a private assessment with a leading psychiatrist in personality disorders
-
He taught me what it is to really love. It’s not ‘you’re too this/that, you need to change’. Its acceptance.
-
During my assessment, I was expecting her to say I had Bi-Polar, but she could see my behavior as classic ADHD within the first 10 mins – blunt, figgety and inappropriate
-
I had 2 face to face assessments, and 2 questionnaires (1 for me and 1 for my husband) as well as her looking at my medical history
-
I’ve been on ADHD medication for just over a week now, and the impact they’ve had already has been life changing, and not just for myself, but my family too
-
I’m due to increase the dose tomorrow.
-
It’s early days, but so far, I’ve been able to do the follow which I couldn’t do before:
-
Stand still and hug my husband
-
Read to my daughter without losing my place in the book
-
Watch TV without needing to get up
-
Not obsessively look at my phone
-
Have control of my emotions
-
Be in the moment
-
Rest
-
Not felt the need to self-medicate to slow my mind down
-
Not binged or restricted food
-
Exercise gently
-
Finish a task I started, for example, sitting and writing this
-
Have the mental space to think about my thoughts, feeling and how I communicate with others .
-
I feel calmer, happier, and like I have been given my life back
-
This last 4 years has been a journey and I want to thank you all for your kindness and support
-
Some might remember I came off Instagram for a while. I didn’t feel I fitted on there. Believe it or not, I’m a very private person
-
So why do this?
-
I heard a saying recently that ‘you’re only as sick as the secrets you keep’ and wanted to take this opportunity to use my diagnosis to help others
-
Please know you are not your coping mechanisms
-
They are an indicator someone needs help
-
I’m so exhausted from being misunderstood and just want to say to those on the fringe, I SEE YOU!
-
Thank you for listening.
-
*If anything I’ve written rings true, and you wish to contact my doctor here are their details https://www.psychiatry-uk.com/
No Comments