40 & DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD

EMOTIONAL, MENTAL HEALTH, THOUGHT-PROVOKING

If you don’t already follow Jess aka @thehotcrossmama then you should: hilarious memes on her grid (do people even call it that any more) plus not hole-barred stories. And most recently those Stories have documented her diagnosis with ADHD and how much that diagnosis has meant to her:

Until 3 weeks ago, I had gone through life with undiagnosed ADHD.
Some symptoms of ADHD are:
being unable to sit still, especially in calm or quiet surroundings
constantly fidgeting
being unable to concentrate on tasks.
excessive physical movement
excessive talking
being unable to wait your turn
acting without thinking
interrupting conversations
I loved school despite lessons and exams being hell
I could never focus in class and remember teachers getting angry with me, when I was trying my best
As a result, I taught myself alternative ways to learn which did not involve long hours sat reading
Instead I would role play, talking out loud to myself as I was the teacher explaining things to another pupil
I would be mischievous
I had little or no sense of danger combined with a problem with authority
I would do outrageous things as they would get me attention
One example of this would be when I was at primary school, and I tried to drive my mum’s car
I would go round friends’ houses to play and be so excited and hyper, that I would act out anything that would pop into my mind
I would throw their parents belongings into their swimming pools, cut all the heads off their flowers, start fires, dismantle their toys…the list goes on
As a result, friends’ parents would rightfully stop me from going around their houses to play which upset me and made me feel like it was because I was a bad person
Fortunately, at school I would excel at art.
Despite my struggles, I managed to leave school with 3 x C’s at A-Level, and 9 GCSE’s
I had a super gifted sister at university studying to be a doctor, yet no one would agree to put their name on my UCAS form as they deemed me not intelligent enough
As a result, I had to ask a neighbour to be my reference
When I started my art degree, I was diagnosed with acute dyslexia
With the assistance of a learning support tutor, I thrived
I went on to graduate at masters level as a university lecturer in Art, and applied for a PHD
The older I was becoming, the worse the ADHD would get.
I’d had enough of academia, and went to work as a designer which is where I met my husband and best friend
Both became integral to helping me reach my full potential – without either of their support, I’m not sure where I would be today
Then I became a mother. The complete / obvious change in lifestyle meant my old coping mechanisms were out of the window
I would barely leave the house, scared that someone would throw acid over my daughter
To manage my emotions, I would clean & exercise manically plus restrict my food
10 months later I was admitted to the Bethlem Psychiatric hospital with acute Postnatal Depression (PND)
Several NHS psychiatrists said they suspected a personality disorder, but had no one to formally assess me.
Instead they gave me antidepressants / anxiety medications and sent me away
I not only had undiagnosed ADHD, but PND and psychosis
I would call the police on my husband as I was convinced he was trying to have my daughter taken away from me, plus of having affairs
After a very extended maternity leave, I went back to work.
My career means everything to me. After being written off throughout school, the world of work was my chance to change those perceptions
I did very well at work, however, this was due to the number of extra hours I would put in unknown to everyone else
Work meetings I would zone out in a bid to stop myself getting up and moving around
As a result, I appeared distant and not engaged
At work I perform best in the following ways:
For companies who champion diversity – you won’t get a solution to a problem if you employ 50 people all from the same background
Meetings must be no more than 10 minutes long – I ask ‘just tell me what needs actioning’ and I stand by that as a great way to draw focus collectively
In an operational role – don’t put me in front of a client as I’m not a ‘yes person’ and I don’t sugar coat s**t
Being across a variety of projects – I can’t focus too long, and in great detail on one project
In a chaotic environment – I love nothing more than creating organisation
Managing people – I really care about my team, their development and helping support them, as it was something I never had. Aware I sound like David Brent, but they’re like extended family – and should be treated like it
Shortly after returning to work, my husband’s father was diagnosed with cancer and sadly passed away 4 months later
During this time, I would work, and support us as the best I could, but I couldn’t cope
Thankfully I was working with my best friend again, and had the support from an incredible boss and team which I will never forget
It really did take a village and some, to help keep us as a family going
I’m so proud of how we protected our daughter during that time
We never faltered in her care and love her beyond words
After a few years of working my way through a variety of antidepressants / anxiety meds, nothing was improving
I still felt manic
One drug would make me feel so disassociated that I wanted to take my own life
My coping mechanisms were now out of control
I would go through a cycle – binging and then restricting
I felt like I was getting into a lift, and each time I stepped back in, I went further and further down
Things weren’t going to end well. I was going to die – either accidentally or by suicide
In the midst of everything, my husband was still fighting my corner, playing diagnosis detective
He got me a private assessment with a leading psychiatrist in personality disorders
He taught me what it is to really love. It’s not ‘you’re too this/that, you need to change’. Its acceptance.
During my assessment, I was expecting her to say I had Bi-Polar, but she could see my behavior as classic ADHD within the first 10 mins – blunt, figgety and inappropriate
I had 2 face to face assessments, and 2 questionnaires (1 for me and 1 for my husband) as well as her looking at my medical history
I’ve been on ADHD medication for just over a week now, and the impact they’ve had already has been life changing, and not just for myself, but my family too
I’m due to increase the dose tomorrow.
It’s early days, but so far, I’ve been able to do the follow which I couldn’t do before:
Stand still and hug my husband
Read to my daughter without losing my place in the book
Watch TV without needing to get up
Not obsessively look at my phone
Have control of my emotions
Be in the moment
Rest
Not felt the need to self-medicate to slow my mind down
Not binged or restricted food
Exercise gently
Finish a task I started, for example, sitting and writing this
Have the mental space to think about my thoughts, feeling and how I communicate with others .
I feel calmer, happier, and like I have been given my life back
This last 4 years has been a journey and I want to thank you all for your kindness and support
Some might remember I came off Instagram for a while. I didn’t feel I fitted on there. Believe it or not, I’m a very private person
So why do this?
I heard a saying recently that ‘you’re only as sick as the secrets you keep’ and wanted to take this opportunity to use my diagnosis to help others
Please know you are not your coping mechanisms
They are an indicator someone needs help
I’m so exhausted from being misunderstood and just want to say to those on the fringe, I SEE YOU!
Thank you for listening.
*If anything I’ve written rings true, and you wish to contact my doctor here are their details https://www.psychiatry-uk.com/

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40 & DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD

Until 3 weeks ago, I had gone through life with undiagnosed ADHD.

Some symptoms of ADHD are:

being unable to sit still, especially in calm or quiet surroundings

constantly fidgeting

being unable to concentrate on tasks.

excessive physical movement

excessive talking

being unable to wait your turn

acting without thinking

interrupting conversations

I loved school despite lessons and exams being hell

I could never focus in class and remember teachers getting angry with me, when I was trying my best

As a result, I taught myself alternative ways to learn which did not involve long hours sat reading

Instead I would role play, talking out loud to myself as I was the teacher explaining things to another pupil

I would be mischievous

I had little or no sense of danger combined with a problem with authority

I would do outrageous things as they would get me attention

One example of this would be when I was at primary school, and I tried to drive my mum’s car

I would go round friends’ houses to play and be so excited and hyper, that I would act out anything that would pop into my mind

I would throw their parents belongings into their swimming pools, cut all the heads off their flowers, start fires, dismantle their toys…the list goes on

As a result, friends’ parents would rightfully stop me from going around their houses to play which upset me and made me feel like it was because I was a bad person

Fortunately, at school I would excel at art.

Despite my struggles, I managed to leave school with 3 x C’s at A-Level, and 9 GCSE’s

I had a super gifted sister at university studying to be a doctor, yet no one would agree to put their name on my UCAS form as they deemed me not intelligent enough

As a result, I had to ask a neighbour to be my reference

When I started my art degree, I was diagnosed with acute dyslexia

With the assistance of a learning support tutor, I thrived

I went on to graduate at masters level as a university lecturer in Art, and applied for a PHD

The older I was becoming, the worse the ADHD would get.

I’d had enough of academia, and went to work as a designer which is where I met my husband and best friend

Both became integral to helping me reach my full potential – without either of their support, I’m not sure where I would be today

Then I became a mother. The complete / obvious change in lifestyle meant my old coping mechanisms were out of the window

I would barely leave the house, scared that someone would throw acid over my daughter

To manage my emotions, I would clean & exercise manically plus restrict my food

10 months later I was admitted to the Bethlem Psychiatric hospital with acute Postnatal Depression (PND)

Several NHS psychiatrists said they suspected a personality disorder, but had no one to formally assess me.

Instead they gave me antidepressants / anxiety medications and sent me away

I not only had undiagnosed ADHD, but PND and psychosis

I would call the police on my husband as I was convinced he was trying to have my daughter taken away from me, plus of having affairs

After a very extended maternity leave, I went back to work.

My career means everything to me. After being written off throughout school, the world of work was my chance to change those perceptions

I did very well at work, however, this was due to the number of extra hours I would put in unknown to everyone else

Work meetings I would zone out in a bid to stop myself getting up and moving around

As a result, I appeared distant and not engaged

At work I perform best in the following ways:

For companies who champion diversity – you won’t get a solution to a problem if you employ 50 people all from the same background

Meetings must be no more than 10 minutes long – I ask ‘just tell me what needs actioning’ and I stand by that as a great way to draw focus collectively

In an operational role – don’t put me in front of a client as I’m not a ‘yes person’ and I don’t sugar coat s**t

Being across a variety of projects – I can’t focus too long, and in great detail on one project

In a chaotic environment – I love nothing more than creating organisation

Managing people – I really care about my team, their development and helping support them, as it was something I never had. Aware I sound like David Brent, but they’re like extended family – and should be treated like it

Shortly after returning to work, my husband’s father was diagnosed with cancer and sadly passed away 4 months later

During this time, I would work, and support us as the best I could, but I couldn’t cope

Thankfully I was working with my best friend again, and had the support from an incredible boss and team which I will never forget

It really did take a village and some, to help keep us as a family going

I’m so proud of how we protected our daughter during that time

We never faltered in her care and love her beyond words

After a few years of working my way through a variety of antidepressants / anxiety meds, nothing was improving

I still felt manic

One drug would make me feel so disassociated that I wanted to take my own life

My coping mechanisms were now out of control

I would go through a cycle – binging and then restricting

I felt like I was getting into a lift, and each time I stepped back in, I went further and further down

Things weren’t going to end well. I was going to die – either accidentally or by suicide

In the midst of everything, my husband was still fighting my corner, playing diagnosis detective

He got me a private assessment with a leading psychiatrist in personality disorders

He taught me what it is to really love. It’s not ‘you’re too this/that, you need to change’. Its acceptance.

During my assessment, I was expecting her to say I had Bi-Polar, but she could see my behavior as classic ADHD within the first 10 mins – blunt, figgety and inappropriate

I had 2 face to face assessments, and 2 questionnaires (1 for me and 1 for my husband) as well as her looking at my medical history

I’ve been on ADHD medication for just over a week now, and the impact they’ve had already has been life changing, and not just for myself, but my family too

I’m due to increase the dose tomorrow.

It’s early days, but so far, I’ve been able to do the follow which I couldn’t do before:

Stand still and hug my husband

Read to my daughter without losing my place in the book

Watch TV without needing to get up

Not obsessively look at my phone

Have control of my emotions

Be in the moment

Rest

In an operational role – don’t put me in front of a client as I’m not a ‘yes person’ and I don’t sugar coat st**