40 & Diagnosed With ADHD
- Until 3 weeks ago, I had gone through life with undiagnosed ADHD.
- Some symptoms of ADHD are:
- Being unable to sit still, especially in calm or quiet surroundings.
- Constantly fidgeting.
- Being unable to concentrate on tasks.
- Excessive physical movement.
- Excessive talking.
- Being unable to wait your turn.
- Acting without thinking.
- Interrupting conversations.
- I loved school despite lessons and exams being hell.
- I could never focus in class and remember teachers getting angry with me, when I was trying my best.
- As a result, I taught myself alternative ways to learn which did not involve long hours sat reading.
- Instead I would role play, talking out loud to myself as I was the teacher explaining things to another pupil.
- I would be mischievous.
- I had little or no sense of danger combined with a problem with authority.
- I would do outrageous things as they would get me attention.
- One example of this would be when I was at primary school, and I tried to drive my mum’s car.
- I would go round friends’ houses to play and be so excited and hyper, that I would act out anything that would pop into my mind.
- I would throw their parents belongings into their swimming pools, cut all the heads off their flowers, start fires, dismantle their toys…the list goes on.
- As a result, friends’ parents would rightfully stop me from going around their houses to play which upset me and made me feel like it was because I was a bad person.
- Fortunately, at school I would excel at art.
- Despite my struggles, I managed to leave school with 3 x Cs at A-Level, and 9 GCSE’s.
- I had a super gifted sister at university studying to be a doctor, yet no one would agree to put their name on my UCAS form as they deemed me not intelligent enough.
- As a result, I had to ask a neighbour to be my reference.
- When I started my art degree, I was diagnosed with acute dyslexia.
- With the assistance of a learning support tutor, I thrived.
- I went on to graduate at masters level as a university lecturer in Art, and applied for a PHD.
- The older I was becoming, the worse the ADHD would get.
- I’d had enough of academia, and went to work as a designer which is where I met my husband and best friend.
- Both became integral to helping me reach my full potential – without either of their support, I’m not sure where I would be today.
- Then I became a mother. The complete / obvious change in lifestyle meant my old coping mechanisms were out of the window.
- I would barely leave the house, scared that someone would throw acid over my daughter.
- To manage my emotions, I would clean & exercise manically plus restrict my food.
- 10 months later I was admitted to the Bethlem Psychiatric hospital with acute Postnatal Depression (PND).
- Several NHS psychiatrists said they suspected a personality disorder, but had no one to formally assess me.
- Instead they gave me antidepressants / anxiety medications and sent me away.
- I not only had undiagnosed ADHD, but PND and psychosis.
- I would call the police on my husband as I was convinced he was trying to have my daughter taken away from me, plus of having affairs.
- After a very extended maternity leave, I went back to work.
- My career means everything to me. After being written off throughout school, the world of work was my chance to change those perceptions.
- I did very well at work, however, this was due to the number of extra hours I would put in unknown to everyone else.
- Work meetings I would zone out in a bid to stop myself getting up and moving around.
- As a result, I appeared distant and not engaged.
- At work I perform best in the following ways:
- For companies who champion diversity – you won’t get a solution to a problem if you employ 50 people all from the same background.
- Meetings must be no more than 10 minutes long – I ask ‘just tell me what needs actioning’ and I stand by that as a great way to draw focus collectively.
- In an operational role – don’t put me in front of a client as I’m not a ‘yes person’ and I don’t sugar coat s**t.
- Being across a variety of projects – I can’t focus too long, and in great detail on one project.
- In a chaotic environment – I love nothing more than creating organisation.
- Managing people – I really care about my team, their development and helping support them, as it was something I never had. Aware I sound like David Brent, but they’re like extended family – and should be treated like it.
- Shortly after returning to work, my husband’s father was diagnosed with cancer and sadly passed away 4 months later.
- During this time, I would work, and support us as the best I could, but I couldn’t cope.
- Thankfully I was working with my best friend again, and had the support from an incredible boss and team which I will never forget.
- It really did take a village and some, to help keep us as a family going.
- I’m so proud of how we protected our daughter during that time.
- We never faltered in her care and love her beyond words.
- After a few years of working my way through a variety of antidepressants / anxiety meds, nothing was improving.
- I still felt manic.
- One drug would make me feel so disassociated that I wanted to take my own life.
- My coping mechanisms were now out of control.
- I would go through a cycle – binging and then restricting.
- I felt like I was getting into a lift, and each time I stepped back in, I went further and further down.
- Things weren’t going to end well. I was going to die – either accidentally or by suicide.
My career means everything to me. After being written off throughout school, the world of work was my chance to change those perceptions. I did very well at work, however, this was due to the number of extra hours I would put in unknown to everyone else.
- In the midst of everything, my husband was still fighting my corner, playing diagnosis detective
- He got me a private assessment with a leading psychiatrist in personality disorders.
- He taught me what it is to really love. It’s not ‘you’re too this/that, you need to change’. It’s acceptance.
- During my assessment, I was expecting her to say I had Bi-Polar, but she could see my behaviour as classic ADHD within the first 10 mins – blunt, fidgety and inappropriate.
- I had two face-to-face assessments, and two questionnaires (one for me and one for my husband) as well as her looking at my medical history.
- I’ve been on ADHD medication for just over a week now, and the impact they’ve had already has been life changing, and not just for myself, but my family too.
- I’m due to increase the dose tomorrow.
- It’s early days, but so far, I’ve been able to do the follow which I couldn’t do before:
- Stand still and hug my husband.
- Read to my daughter without losing my place in the book.
- Watch TV without needing to get up.
- Not obsessively look at my phone.
- Have control of my emotions.
- Be in the moment.
- Rest.
- Not felt the need to self-medicate to slow my mind down.
- Not binged or restricted food.
- Exercise gently.
- Finish a task I started, for example, sitting and writing this.
- Have the mental space to think about my thoughts, feeling and how I communicate with others .
- I feel calmer, happier, and like I have been given my life back.
- This last four years has been a journey and I want to thank you all for your kindness and support.
- Some might remember I came off Instagram for a while. I didn’t feel I fitted on there. Believe it or not, I’m a very private person.
- So why do this?
- I heard a saying recently that ‘you’re only as sick as the secrets you keep’ and wanted to take this opportunity to use my diagnosis to help others.
- Please know you are not your coping mechanisms.
- They are an indicator someone needs help.
- I’m so exhausted from being misunderstood and just want to say to those on the fringe, I SEE YOU!
- Thank you for listening.