The Mother Of All Lists

Not sure if you have seen on social media that it is #selfcareseptember? Perhaps you’ve seen lots of posts going around about taking ‘me time’, lots of glossy posts with bathtubs, essential oils and buying s**t that we think is going to bring us a fix to all of our stress & anxieties.

Don’t get me wrong I love all of the above, BUT I think it’s super, super, super (yep let’s keep repeating super) important that we think about the basics of self care too – the boring old maintenance stuff that frankly gets shoved to the bottom of the to-do list.Or worst doesn’t even make it onto our to-do lists.

Because a hot bath and essential oils (on its own) does not get rid of everyday stress and anxiety or any other mental health concern we have. We need to get back to basics.

I particularly love this quote from Grazia UK:Self-care, right now (especially given the year we are in) simply means taking care of my absolute basic needs first.

On paper this should be really easy. But it’s not friggin easy because we spend most of our lives worrying about everyone else and their needs or we are stuck on autopilot everyday not thinking about much but just doing a hell of a lot. Finding the headspace to consider our basic needs becomes really, really hard.

But here’s the thing. When you give yourself a tiny bit of time (hide in the loo if you have to) and ask yourself ‘what is causing you to stress or worry’?, (or whatever it is you are feeling at that time) and write it all down – you will have the list that becomes the no.1 priorities for your self-care.

I did this before bed, and I was kinda shocked at how long the list was getting…

Getting my glasses fixed so I can see properly! I’m literally squinting typing this.Seeing the doctor so I can discuss contraception, so I don’t have to keep worrying about having a third baby!Going to the dentist as I have had a low-level toothache for months.Sorting out my desk as it’s a mess and I can’t even work on it properly.Buying more reusable period products so I don’t have to revert to tampons when they pop out and clearly don’t work for me anymore.Sorting out all my paperwork.

I haven’t spoken to many of my friends for months. Hmmmm, not good.

Wow my list is growing as I write this.I do ask myself this quite a lot, on the fly (so not writing it down), but the solutions I come up with are the easier ones to do. So, I might say – I’m tired so I need a nap. Or I’m tired, I need a bath – I’m usually quite tired. Or I’m stressed – I’ll take a walk.

Writing it down helps me to keep on top of the thing that truly add to my wellbeing and, despite them not being the most glamorous of tasks, they can make sure that my #selfcareseptember makes a real difference to my life.

I was going to leave it there and then I thought – hang on a minute – we have all just lived through what can only be described as one of the most truly gruelling years that we will ever live through in our lifetime.

Now, I choose the word gruelling because, for me, it’s been like working my way through a fucking marathon, except I didn’t train for it.And I didn’t even really want to be in it, but I’m in it. And I’m wondering when the fuck it’s going to end.

I know I’m not in it to win it either. I’m just hoping like hell that I’ve got through it relatively unscathed, and that I’ve managed to protect my family during this time too. But let’s face it, it’s been really bloody hard.So, I wanted to share some more of the simple self-care I’ve been doing to survive throughout this difficult time.

Reclaiming the loo.Yep you heard that right. Before the lockdown, well for years really, I had been rather pissed off at my husband for spending so much time in the loo. Mostly because I was jealous. I just couldn’t wrap my head around how the heck he used to just take himself off at the most opportune time (kids screaming) and get some much-needed headspace.So, the lockdown was my time. My time to reclaim that loo. I just made the decision that I would spend an extra 5 minutes in the loo every single time I went to the loo.

I then decided rather than aimlessly scrolling on my phone I would listen to a session in our app, Clementine and that would really help me relax. And here’s the thing – because I go to the loo about 6 times a day (apparently the average is between 4 and 8 times a day) – it meant that I was getting these awesome mini breaks without having to find the time to do it. Reclaim the loo.

Leaving my phone at home.Because I was totally consumed by technology and not getting outside as much, I found I really had to get my phone usage under control. Big time.So, I made a commitment that whenever I was going out to do the groceries, or do a walk, or being with the kids, I would leave the phone behind! I know some of you are thinking, WTF?! But you can do it. I felt relieved to leave it behind and now I’m so in the habit of doing this that I basically lose my phone every weekend as I just don’t want it with me.

Sorting out our finances.The shrinking of our lifestyles and therefore where we were spending our money was definitely a gift.Now, we are fortunate that both of us still have jobs, so we decided to take the opportunity to really double down on our budget and do a bit of a spring clean.

Properly sitting down for an evening (I know it sounds boring) but it felt soooo good to get rid of some spend that when we thought about it we didn’t really need.

I read an amazing book last year called “You’re Not Broke, You’re Pre-Rich,” by Emilie Bellet when I was in a major funk with my money mindset, and this book really helped to reframe how I thought about money and frankly how to make more money and save more money.

Saying NO.I started saying NO to invitations to events and webinars and zoom parties etc. At first I felt really, really bad about this. It felt like the whole freaking world was doing a zoom party. But I just couldn’t wrap my head around talking to people when I had been online all day.

It wasn’t until I ran a workshop where I was asking the people involved to answer this question “What’s not been going so well in the past 6 months?” that I realised that one of the things I’d put on my list was “Not taking part in all these zoom parties and feeling like a total loner.”

But then the next question was “What’s been going well?” and my answer was “Not taking part in all these zoom parties!”.You see, the truth was that I didn’t want to socialise online. I couldn’t have thought of anything worse for my mental health and I finally got comfortable with being 100% totally with my family.

I thought I had started getting pretty damn good at this saying no business. But I was fortunate to interview Sarah Knight, the author of‘ ‘“F**K NO! How to stop saying yes when you can’t, you shouldn’t, or you just don’t want to” which is a book that I massively loved.

It literally had hundreds of examples of how to say NO. One of my key weakness spots is organising loads of stuff for other people (work and home) – you know when you jump in it say “yeah sure I’ll do that,” when in your head you’re thinking is “I have literally no time to do that!”

I’ve come up with are these two tactics before I jump in:

1) Pause – wait to see if someone else raises their hand

2) If asked directly. Say NO.

Keep it simple. No need to add a chapter and verse about why you can’t do something E.g. – “I can’t do it this time. Maybe next time.”So sorry if that sounded like a bit of a rant.I love a bath, I love a massage, but remember that taking care of ourselves needs to start with the basics – the boring s**t that you can’t be bothered doing. The rest is icing on the cake.

This piece was written by Kim Palmer, founder of Clementine App. The UK's leading hypnotherapy app for women.