I Had An Affair

  • This one comes from an Anonymous writer, an honest account of the circumstances that lead to her being unfaithful to her partner…
  • ‘I had an affair’… there I said it.
  • Am I proud? No of course not.
  • Am I glad it happened? Absolutely.
  • You see, whilst people will sit and judge or tell you that they would never do it or how awful people who cheat are, I actually believe most people are capable of being unfaithful.
  • I’m also pretty sure we would all be surprised if we knew the extent to which this goes on.
  • It’s not one ‘type of person’ who does this.
  • Take ‘Me’ so many people would be shocked to know that I had been unfaithful.
  • But I don’t see it as an awful thing, that horrid people do.
  • Everyone has a breaking point and not everyone can just ‘carry on in a relationship’ to save face or to avoid upset and change.
  • Sometimes this stuff happens, whilst it’s not a life choice I’d recommend, it happened and this is my story.
  • Living in a loveless relationship is agony.
  • We’d been together years. Got together ‘too young’ and ‘too soon’ some would say.
  • My life wasn’t horrendous but it wasn’t what I wanted either.
  • I was sad, miserable and bored.
  • So bored, so unloved and so lonely.
  • I was lusting after excitement the feeling of being wanted. Or even just to be liked.
  • We both knew deep down that things were over. There were no arguments because we barely even spoke to each other.
  • There was no love, no respect, nothing.
  • We’d ‘played out’ our relationship because when so many years have passed it’s hard to just call ‘time’.
  • Something had to give.
  • I was starting to realise that this ‘existence’ was panning out to be the rest of my life and I couldn’t bear it.
  • I never set out to be unfaithful. But, after a terrible holiday and even crappier birthday, I did something that would change my life forever.
  • I wouldn’t describe it as a conscious decision, I didn’t wake up that day and decide today is the day I’m going to start an affair it really wasn’t as calculated as anything like you see in the movies or on TV.
  • Some might say it was fate.
  • Something somehow led me into contacting an old friend, an ex, someone I’d never truly gotten over… you know the ones you secretly search on Facebook or have the odd random dream about (I’m pretty sure most of us have one, even if we don’t admit it).
  • I truly never imagined what would unfold from that day forward, but almost as soon as contact was made I knew life was no longer going to be the same for me.
  • It was definitely physical to start with; we had a connection like I’d never known before – in and out of the bedroom.
  • I felt so desired and wanted, something I can honestly say I’d never felt before.
  • It really was amazing, I knew THIS was the man I was meant to be with yet I wasn’t with him.
  • Instead I was with someone else, someone I was really fond of but not ‘in love’ with. We were so wrong for eachother and being in the midst of this affair just made it even more glaringly obvious quite how wrong!
  • What followed next was an 8 month affair: messages until 3am, sneaky meetings, amazing sex, dates, butterflies, feelings of being wanted, being ‘Me’ again: a newfound confidence, a reason to live, excitement, pure happiness, a much happier me.
  • And guilt, but only some; it was all massively outweighed by the sheer happiness I was feeling for the first time in many years, you hear a lot about guilt when the subject of cheating comes up but for me, I didn’t feel as guilty as I thought I would and believe me that was quite shocking in its self.
  • I’m not going to lie though this was one of the happiest periods of my life, a few close people around me knew but no one ever told me to stop they warned of the end result of course they did and often asked me to take a step back to think about the future which I did but I couldn’t see past the ache in my stomach to spend every possible moment with him “the other man”
  • I was in too deep; I was falling in love and as cliche as that sounds it was true and not just on my part either we were living our best life’s and had both fallen for each other massively the big question was…
  • What next ????
  • When the proverbial “shit” hit the fan 9and boy did it) I knew that life as I knew it was done and I was scared (the type of scared that gives you knots in your stomach) but deep down I was glad, secretly screaming a massive sigh of relief.
  • The next bit was awful: the rows, the slow unravelling of what had been going on these past months. I could see how much I’d hurt him, it was awful, BUT it was out there now. Time to face up to what I’d done.
  • Life couldn’t have carried on for me in that relationship, I’d had a taste of the good stuff and I was hooked; I wanted this feeling to last forever…
  • but that’s the thing with affairs nothing does last forever.
  • What followed wasn’t pretty. it never is and I deserved it, of course.
  • Yet still I didn’t regret what I’d done even then, even in the midst of all the hate the family trauma the name-calling, the screaming matches, the utter shame that comes with being the unfaithful one, I was sorry for hurting people I cared about but I wasn’t sorry for the affair because deep down I knew nothing could be worse than having to go back to my previous life.
  • I was asked to go back to him once things had settled down.
  • He begged for another chance, he promised me the world and more.
  • I was told by his family members to “give it another try that I was being selfish” and to “not do this to him” but it was never an option to go back.
  • And what about me? As selfish as it sounds if I’ve learnt anything from life so far it’s that its way too short to live like.
  • Besides I couldn’t go back, even if I was being promised the world, it wasn’t the world I wanted.
  • I’d of rather of been alone than have to go back to a relationship like that.
  • I’m sure things would have been great for a while had I given in to the pressure and gone back to him but it never crossed my mind to even give it another go, knew it would never have lasted.
  • It would creep back to how it used to be within months and of course, the effort would subside and then we’d split anyway I’ve seen it so many times, so I stood my ground I walked away head held up….but not high.
  • I was ashamed, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t, but I’m old enough to realise life isn’t a Disney film and happiness isn’t always found in magical situations or places.
  • Never the less I still stand by the decision today and I have no desire to be unfaithful ever again.
  • Interestingly, it’s not something I’ve even thought about during this relationship, but then why would I? Nw I am loved and I am happy 8 years on; still with Mr Affair “the one” and maybe it wasn’t the best way to embark on our journey together but it happened and we are still here.
  • Has our relationship been plain sailing? No of course not, but I’m as certain as ever that I would never be unfaithful again. I say that with no judgement or smugness I think that I’m just a different person. stronger maybe? If I was ever in that positions again I really feel like I would just walk away.
  • If I have learnt anything from this it’s that you really should try to never judge, life is hard, relationships are hard and things are almost never what they seem.
  • Being open with people about my story has led to so many jaw-dropping conversations because you scratch the surface of most people lives and it’s a big twisted mess of all kinds of things.
  • So many people cheat, they have affairs online and offline, it’s becoming easier and easier thanks to technology. That said l still think it’s important to listen and try and show empathy.
  • As the old saying goes; sometimes good people do bad things and that’s something you have to live with.
  • You can’t live an unhappy life just to please others – everyone deserves happiness and love, even Me xoxo