The Mother Of All Lists

I thought I prepped for my first birth. NCT classes, every episode of One Born Every Minute. What more could I need?Then I went overdue. Really really overdue.I wasn’t prepared for that. As someone who does things at 100 mph AND was born 7 weeks premature, I had naively assumed that this guaranteed me a prompt labour. I was wrong.

At 41+6 I was booked in for an induction.I had zero clues about what that involved, but didn’t care, I just REALLY wanted my baby out.The morning of my induction. I went into labour (probably thanks a sweep).Rung the delivery ward feeling excited, sadly Not for long: I must still attend my induction slot as planned.

What an error. Once in ‘the system’ I was stuck in no-man’s land. Turnout they wouldn’t induce me because I was in labour, yet they wouldn’t send me home (even though I was only 3 cm) because I was on an induction list.

I didn’t progress.I walked the corridors of St Georges to the point of exhaustion.I didn’t progress.I cried.I didn’t progress.I cried some more.They sent my husband home.I begged to be allowed to go with him.I cried. I was alone and scared and of courseI didn’t progress.

24 hrs later, my husband return, I hadn't slept and no longer knew what was going on, other that I couldn't leave but feeling trapped meant my baby wasn't coming.

Someone decided to give me a pessary.Things went nuts. Within 10 minutes I was having 7 contractions in 10 – grim. Next I was whipped into thedelivery room. Active, mobilised labour, just gas and air, not fun, but I was ok (just). ApparentlyI wasn’t very kind to my husband, but that’s by-the-by.

Then the decision was made that it was time to a) push b) get on my back.It felt wrong, but I did what I was told, desperate to be a good girl and make this be over.

The fateful hour passed. The inevitable episiotomy.Then my baby was here! But there was no time to process that I was bleeding. A lot. Suddenly an alarm sounds a team of people doing stuff, oxygen mask. Me thinking ‘is this it?’. Terrifying.

Thankfully the bleeding was controlled quickly. But, in my memory what followed was one nightmare after the next:

Left alone in the delivery room while I had a panic attackNo hug. No reassurance. No quiet word saying ‘it’s ok to feel a bit wobbly.Just (what felt like) the threat of being referred to the psychiatric midwife the next day.

Firm instruction to breastfeed NOW, even though I was too exhausted to keep my eyes open.Tuts of disapproval for not managing to walk to post-delivery ward (after an epsisiotomy!).My husband being kicked-out just 45 minutes after we got on the ward.

Having to ask someone to change my catheter and could I possibly have some paracetamol for my pain?

Feeling alone, shocked and frankly quite abused.

Then finally some sleep!

On waking my heart exploded with love for the tiny human lying next to me. I was a Mummy! Time to step up and be the Mummy he deserved.

A year passes. A year of being lost, those early days spent naviagating flash backs of my labour, feeling total out of body, traumatised, abused and now absolutly broken.

New motherhood turns you inside out and back to front but for me it was more than that the 48 hours made me feel valuelish and walked all over in a way I had never experienced before. As a consequence, I didn't trust myself to be the mother I had hoped to be. I did what I hoped was right and felt lost because there was no sign of the rush of love.

A confusing life-altering 12 months of sleepless nights and rediscovering myself.

But sometimes healing yourself is to go back into the eye of the storm, yes that's right on my firstborns first birthday I am pregnant again, I had survived the bumpiest rides and if I knew one thing THIS TIME WAS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.

Some notable turning points:I discovered hypnobirthing ana place with the community midwives who would give me continuity of care and decided I wanted a homebirth. I become to truly prepare for birth and not just on a surface level

Decided on a home-birth. Imy relaxation techniques. I has a debrief from my first labour to understand what happends. Simple note like "mother coping well' assured me that the horrifying bits of the first time were not in fact my fault.Talking about my fears and rationalised them.

As due date, I made an 'important' final revisions like investing heavily in snacks and posh candles to burn during labour.I was prepared and even a bit excited about getting this bubba out.

Then it happened again. 40 weeks came and went.The insanity set in. Hormones, nerves and fear = some pretty irrational thought processes.41 weeks. I sent my hypnobirthing teacher Hollie a dearranged email (think proper breakdown), words along the lines of "How do I get it out? What if my body doesn’t know how to go into labour naturally? Help!"

‘Let go of the anxiety’ she said. ‘trust your body’, she said.’ It will happen’, she said.She was right. The next day I had a sweep. (Only in pregnancy are you mega pleased to have someone stick their hand up you).Already 3cm dilated – woo hoo!

That night went to bed with a suspicion it was ‘game on’. But knew I should get some kip.3am woken by a surge. It was definitely happening. No panic, no fuss. Just a real sense of knowing what needed to be done.

With my son sispatched my sister's flat down the road in Camberwell at 5.45am Igot into the groove of labour; being naked (obvs) and eating Jaffa Cakes, oh, and the midwife arrived. Next their was apalaver with the birth pool. The fitting couldn’t connect to our tap. Funny in retrospect, fucking annoying at the time.

Eventually I slide into the water (bliss). Totally focused on getting to the peak of the surge then down the other side . . . ‘breathe in calm, breathe out tension. Don't get me wrong it was hardcore. Exhausting. At the time I desperately wanted it to stop. But curcially at no point did I feel worried or out of control.

The second midwife arrived. Yes!! The end couldn’t be that far off.Candles, chilled music, yet more Jaffa cakes. All very lovely. Until transition…

Suddenly the darkness felt oppressive rather than safe.Time for a change of scene; suggested the midwife. Great move.The brightness and coolness of the bathroom felt like an epic new chapter.No sooner had I taken a seat on the loo than an almighty surge hit.My body well and truly took control.Leapt up, grabbed my husband in a strangle hold for support, and out came baby’s head.

Then with the next surge my baby made his entrance into the world.He was born calmly and quietly with his waters intact or ‘en caul’. Swiftly followed by my placenta, which conveniently went into the toilet.

The relief was utterly immense, for so many reasons:I hadn’t been induced.I hadn’t used a scrap of pain relief.I hadn’t bled. Just a tiny tear that healed naturally.And I wasn’t pregnant anymore!! I felt like the luckiest person alive.Me and my new dude headed to bed. And that’s where we stayed for the rest of the day (with Pizza Express pizza).

When people ask me about my labour, I say it was everything I wanted it to be.A wonderful empowering experience rather than a terrifying one.From there things got better and better:

Goodbye demon’s from my first birth.Hello quick recovery.Hello immediate bond.Hello oxytocin that kept me high for weeks.And, best of all, an ongoing belief that if I can breathe a baby out; I CAN DO ANYTHING.

If only I could nip back in time and give the ‘old me’, the one having a panic attack after in that delivery room, a hug and some words of advice:“Everything is going to be ok, in fact everything is going to be better than ok. You have just started the best journey of your entire life”.

Giving birth doesn't just transport new life into the world it makes a lasting impact on the Mother, I can say that having experience two ends of the spectrum, birth education and birth support aren't nice ideas they are absolutely vital. All to often we spend longer picking a buggy than we do preparing for birth. It needed be that way. Invest in your next chapter. You wouldn't run a marathon without considerin, training, pacing, nutrition.

Birth resources incuded below.